Emilia Clarke was voted the Sexiest Woman in the World. Big deal. That's like saying I'm the sexiest person in this Chipotle right now. Talk about a small pool of eligible candidates.
After all, there are only 3.5 billion women in the world, which is chump change compared to the 54 billion DEAD women throughout history!
And how are people supposed to remember THOSE women if we don't get a group of men to objectify them like we do with all the living ones?
Now, it wasn't easy coming up with this top 10. It was stiff competition. (Get it? Stiff. Like what happens to your loved ones when they hit their first stage of decay). But the other guys in this Chipotle and I managed to pick the definitive list of the Top 10 Hottest Dead Women.
I'm just glad I thought of this before all of these women were completely forgotten about. After all, we can all agree a woman's most memorable quality is her sexual attractiveness to men.
Mary, Mother of Christ
No one really knows what she actually looked like, but God clearly thought she was super hot. So that's definitely good enough for us. Start your engines, boys!
Helen of Troy
Two nations fought each other for a decade because of how good her boobs were. Not much else to say.
Killing yourself with a snake on your boob? That's, like, the sexiest way to kill yourself! I literally can't think of one way of killing yourself that is sexier. Seriously, take a moment and try to come up with one. Maybe jumping into a vat of George Clooney clones bred for warfare?
Anyway, she makes the list.
You know what they say about girls with giant, powdered wigs, right? Giant… powdered… merkins.
Keira Knightley's character in "Atonement"
I know she's not “real.” But she was so sexy and then she died. So we put her on the list. Listen, I make the rules here.
The sexiest body part is the BRAIN, people! And she had such a hot brain. God, what I would with that brain if I had 52 seconds alone with it.
One of them cavewomen
Considering they were around for so long, at least one of those cavewomen was probably SUCH a babe.
Your second-grade teacher who sadly passed away recently
She used to put her hand on your head and tell you that you were such a smart boy. Her hair was long and brown. Her ankles had their own language.
Don't be sad. Be glad she has been forever memorialized on this important hotness list, made by a random group of men.
Too soon? Yup. Too soon. OK. Too soon. Yes, you're absolutely right. Too soon. Sorry. Too soon. My bad. Too soon. I apologize. Too soon. My condolences to the royal family. Too soon.
There has never been a woman who has been able to hold a candle to the pure sexual magnetism of Eleanor Roosevelt. Also, FDR was paralyzed from the waist down by polio, meaning his genitals probably didn't work super well, so you know Ellie was most likely down to clown.
I know there are so many other great contenders here -- I mean, I didn't even mention Amelia Earhart or any of Albert Einstein's hot aunts -- but the men of this Chipotle and I could only choose a select amount of dead women to unnecessarily objectify.
Unfortunately, we could only do so much. The rest is in your hands.