A new start-up named Phoenix allows you to program an email to be sent to people on the occasion that you die.
The start-up's name, Phoenix, presumably was chosen because phoenixes rise from their own ashes after they die, reborn in a blaze of fire.
That's not what's going to happen to you if you use this company's service. You're going to still be very dead, but you'll just have convinced someone that you are the most technologically familiar ghost since the girl from "The Ring."
According to VICE, a man named Enrique Benitez, a Mexican coder and co-founder of this company, explained his goal is to “empower communication after death.”
I'm kind of creating virtual ghosts.
It works like this: Phoenix connects to your regular Gmail account, where you can draft up the emails, and then, if you don't sign in for over a year, it sends the emails.
What that means is, of course, your loved ones are going to be receiving emails from you from beyond the grave literally a year after you die. So if you want to terrify the people you care about, go ahead and get this thing.
As Benitez himself told VICE, "I'm kind of creating virtual ghosts.”
OK, I've been making fun of this a lot. But, maybe it's good after all.
For one, it will make you work on your last words so you won't be forced to come up with something like “Life is so… cool” on the spot (the spot being your deathbed -- I've already bought mine; it's a hammock).
For two, there are such cool things you could say in this email. Think about all the best last words throughout history. Either these people got extremely lucky, or they planned ahead.
The other option is, of course, someone who was there to hear Fyodor Dostoyevsky say before he died, “My butthole is itchy because I didn't wipe good,” and who decided to make something cooler up for the newspapers.
If you want ideas, check out this Wiki article with all the famous last words because they are extremely cool. Be like these people.
If you still can't come up with anything, here are some possible suggestions for last words from me. Feel free to use any of these:
1) I want everyone who loved me to know I loved them back, and I want everyone who hated me to get testicular gangrene and audited for tax evasion.
2) Life is like a cup of coffee: Sometimes it can be very exciting, but it makes you poop every day.
3) I died as I lived, 69-ing Satan.
If you do use one of these, please just credit me somewhere, just something small at the bottom of the email, like, put co-written by Alec MacDonald, or something. Or, put me in your will. It's up to you though. (I like antique armoires and Valyrian steel.)