First of all, I'm pretty sure I just coined the term "Seamflix" (Seamless + Netflix). You're welcome, Encyclopedia.
Second of all, I think I might be addicted to eating while watching TV. I'm serious, at this point I can barely masticate my food without watching a detective casually look at a decapitated motorcyclist and mutter “looks like he got in over his head.”
The other night my girlfriend suggested we eat dinner without the TV on and just "talk about our days." I immediately checked her into an insane asylum. It was for her own safety.
There is so little in this world that is more relaxing than eating takeout while watching television.
It's like taking a bath in honey while simultaneously getting a massage from an angel. The only thing better than it, people might say, is sex.
Those people would be wrong.
1. Seamflixing doesn't require you to say anything to another human being.
If you tip well enough and are OK with being rude, you don't even have to say a single word to the the delivery man -- especially not “why are you interested in marine biology?” or “do you have any STDs I should know about?”
2. Usually it isn’t acceptable to wear a Snuggie while having sex.
3. Indulging in your "guilty pleasures" is way easier when you're Seamflixing "The Kardashians" than when you're having sex with someone you met at the DMV.
You don't need a safe word for watching "The Kardashians."
4. When you finally get someone back to your apartment, you have to act like you are both just there to relax and, you know, discuss the "Breaking Bad" finale or something -- when you're actually just waiting to see who starts getting naked first.
Seamflixing requires absolutely no games. Except when Netflix asks you if you are still watching when it knows perfectly well you are, and you shout “GET F*CKED, F*CKFACE” before carefully clicking “yes” on your laptop with your toe.
5. It’s 100 percent chill to start crying hysterically while Seamflixing. "You've Got Mail" is the real deal, bro.
Less OK during sex.
6. If you don’t like what you’re watching or eating, you can always change it. But when you have sex (unless you’ve brought a spare and left him or her in the hall, waiting to tap in) you’re pretty much stuck with what you got.
Sadly, it is frowned upon to be having sex with someone and say "this isn't as good as people said it was going to be, can you call your sister or something?"
7. After sex is over, you have to either talk or sleep until sex can (maybe) happen again. But after an episode of "Criminal Minds" is over, all you have to do is just sit there, eating hummus with your hands, and another serial killer will make up more word puzzles for the FBI.
I feel like serial killers must get together and play scrabble a lot. They are so obsessed with word games and anagrams. I guess serial killers and my divorced aunt would have a great time hanging out.
8. Most people are too uptight to allow the eating of Chinese food during intercourse.
Back in the 60s, when people weren't prudes, everyone was spreading the gospel of free love and General Tso's. Now, whenever I have sex, nerds keep telling me to put away my spring rolls. THEY ARE VEGETARIAN.
9. Really the only thing that sex does better than Seamflix is make babies, and I suspect very few of you are actually trying to make one of those.
It's almost impossible to make a baby while Seamflixing -- unless you mean a food baby, but when those are born they always end up with a really sh*tty personality.
Although, Seamflixing and sex are, in a lot of ways, basically the same thing.
-Both end in a mess.
-Both involve a lot of repetition -- whether it’s watching episodes of "Seinfeld" or "humping like a dog."
-Both require you to unbutton your pants.
-And finally, both usually make you feel guilty afterward.
So, when you're feeling lonely, or horny, or bored, just order yourself some Chinese food, put on your snuggie and get wasted while watching "Tremors 2" and shouting curses at the screen. I was raised Catholic, so I'm bros with God, and he told me this is exactly what Heaven is like.