So... your girlfriend is mad at you, huh?
Or you think she is. Maybe. You don't know. She's somewhat distracted during dinner. Or she's giving you one-word text message answers when she normally sends you paragraphs. You aren't sure what you did, but you think something's wrong, yet you don't really want to bring it up because you'd rather ignore it and hope it goes away.
It feels like this sort of thing happens a lot: Your girlfriend gets pissed, you rack your brain to figure out what you could have done to MAKE her pissed, you can't figure it out, and she expects you to fix everything anyway. You're tired of this cycle. I get it.
I'll be the first to admit that sometimes we get angry over sh*t you don't even realize you did. We are also aware that most of that sh*t we're mad about is stupid and doesn't warrant anger.
But we're still going to be mad. And unfortunately, not knowing what you did wrong, or thinking what we're mad about is stupid, does not negate your responsibility to fix it! (I'm only sort of joking about this. Just to throw a little insight your way: Girls live in a world where dudes call us "crazy" for bringing up literally ANYTHING we're upset about, so we get nervous to talk about any of our issues with you, whether they are in fact stupid or, you know, actually serious).
But fear not, my friends. I'm here to clue you in on a list of reasons your girlfriend is mad at you right now so you can start fixing it. You can thank me later when she gives you a blowjob for the first time in weeks.
1. Because she uncovered a leftover Facebook profile picture of you and your ex.
I know! You forgot it was there! I'm not blaming you! Just delete it.
2. Because she spiraled into a three-hour stalking session of your ex and came across her posts on your Facebook wall from a year ago.
Yeah, this isn't your fault. Just give her extra affirmation of your feelings for her this week.
3. Because you didn't respond to her complaint the way she wanted you to.
If she says she feels fat today, you're supposed to tell her she's not fat. None of that "I love you just the way you are" bullsh*t.
4. Because your text felt curt.
Her: "Ugh, I've been having the sh*ttiest week. I'm so excited for Thursday when we can finally hang out. Really missing you!"
NO! BAD! WRONG!
5. Because she made something up in her head that she wanted you to do, and you didn't do it.
She wanted you to randomly send her flowers to her office this week and you didn't.
6. Because she had a dream you cheated on her.
How dare you.
7. Because you didn't notice her new haircut/highlights/weight loss/manicure.
Is she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Yes? Great. Then tell her.
8. Because you want to devote some of your free time to your friends.
No, you are NOT allowed to have dinner with your boys on Saturday night before spending all night with her. Didn't you know that?
9. Because you fell asleep and didn't think to answer her text in the morning.
Put down your coffee and f*cking respond before she starts thinking you're going to dump her.
10. Because you had lunch with your sister instead of her.
Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes girls get weird about your relationship with your sister.
11. Because you even implied that you still think your ex is cute.
Your ex is not cute. She never was. Never.
12. Because you got a haircut even though your hair was at the perfect length.
You guys have no idea what makes you look attractive. None.
13. Because you tried to solve her problem when she just wanted to vent.
Sometimes she just needs to bitch about how much her co-workers suck. Don't try to offer a solution.
14. Because you weren't on her side when she was fighting with a friend.
Again, stop offering solutions. Just listen and agree with everything she says.
15. Because you didn't pay enough attention to her at the bar tonight.
Next time, put your arm around her waist like you MEAN IT.
16. Because you agreed to do something she said you could do.
Her: "No, it's totally cool if you go out with your friends tonight! Seriously."
Her: "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!"
17. Because you didn't drunk text her when you were out.
She just wants to know you're always thinking about her, even in your inebriated state. The neurotic side of her also wants to make sure you're not cheating on her. Or talking to another woman. Or even looking at one, really. Just don't talk to anyone unless they have a penis.
18. Because she was about to finish, and you moved your finger a half a centimeter too far to the left.
You really f*cked up on this one. But she won't tell you because she doesn't want to seem too difficult.
19. Because she's on her period.
And you called her out on it.