10 Reasons Life Would Be Better If I Could Date My Dog

by Maya Waide

We all have those crazy-person moments where we are lying in bed at night wishing our dogs were people and actually answering our questions.

There is something special about the gleam in Buster's eye after he swallows his five cups of food and still wants your peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You have scratches all over your arms from the excitement of when you arrive home a little too late after he's been waiting all day to see you. You haven't worn makeup in days because you have been too busy spending time with your furry friend and making sure he receives the best treatment.

If only animals were human.

Who needs a romantic SO when you have that little hairball who climbs in your lap on a daily basis? Join me, fellow singles and animal lovers, for 10 reasons I wish I could turn my dog into a boyfriend.

1. Dogs are great listeners.

Have a bad day? Someone in the office ate your sandwich, or maybe the guy in the left lane behind you decided to pass you on the right? Did you boyfriend flip you off for going to lunch with your girlfriends instead of going back to his house with him for a little lunch-time rendezvous?

Don't worry, your dog will be there, DYING to listen to all of it. Tired of calling your friends late at night for a little chitchat? Take a seat with Buster and tell him your problems; cry out for help and be that person who needs a good cry every night.

Buster will be there to take it and provide endless kisses and no judgement about how you "accidentally" screwed the neighbor last night. He might give you the looks, but at the end of the day, you know he is judgment-free and just wants you to be happy.

2. They don't give a shit.

Dogs live for a few things: love, food, water and maybe a few treats here and then. What really else is there in life? Isn't it nice to be constantly surrounded by those who don't care and are so easygoing that you are dragged into a calm mood and feel better for the rest of the day?

Welcome to the world of doghood.

Spending hours with your dog can not only make you happier, but make you focus on the things that matter.

Who cares if your best friend just stole your car? At least you have your dog, who only strives for love and food in life. The necessities become key. Who cares if your mother hates you because you got a tattoo of Hillary Duff on your right arm? Not Buster.

3. They love to eat, A LOT.

Who doesn't love pigging out on a daily basis? I can assure you not only does your dog not mind being around you when you pig out, but he actually likes it.

Don't worry about your judgmental friends who keep notifying you about your weight or health; stick to the essentials mentioned in point number two.

Enjoy your food and be comforted by the caloric intake you are about to experience in a judgment-free liberal zone where there isn't a fuck to give or a reason to stop.

4. They cuddle you in bed.

Nothing beats lying down in bed at night with someone who always looks forward to cuddling you. Except, we all realize we have had an experience or two where our contenders aren't in the game. Have a problematic boyfriend or girlfriend who isn't having the cuddle feels, or a bad one-night stand who never called back?

Not to worry, here comes Buster crashing through the door waiting all day to cuddle with his beloved owner. Ever feel betrayed by a partner for not having cuddly intimacy? Not to fear, Buster is here.

5. They DON'T leave the next morning.

They won't leave unless they are currently on the hunt for a squirrel or chipmunk running around in your gutter outside.

6. They are loyal.

Ever deal with disloyalty from a romantic partner or a friend? Have friends who leave once they find "the one" and never come back to their old friendships? Feeling lonely in general to the point of demise and depression?

Instead of feeling down and not under control, get a dog, a pet, WHATEVER. You are all that an animal has, and all that it will ever need. Use that controlling personality you have to give that dog a good life, and train it well so it gets the benefit of you while you get the benefit of loyalty.

Your pet's whole world is about you and how you are doing. Could you imagine a human being THAT obsessed with you?

That would be downright annoying and unworldly. If you are sad, so is your dog. If you are mad, so is Buster. Dogs are very sensitive to the feelings and the well-being of their humans.

This makes them very loyal and great pets that can even serve as temporary man/woman replacements. Why deal with humans when you can deal with carefree loyal animals?

7. They're perfect if you hate people.

I don't know about you people, but I hate people. People are liars, filled with drama, pain and arguments.

Sure, there are a few good folks out there, but not enough. The only time I've ever seen my dog argue with me is when he wasn't getting the correct treatment for a sit command, and to be frank, I can't blame him; I would do the same.

Going outside and into public is tragic as it involves dealing with people and all their daily commentary and gossip that I have no interest in.

I would be perfectly happy to sit at home talking to my dog like the crazy woman I am in hopes of one day getting a response rather than rely on people in our modern world to entertain me.

8. They protect you.

Got a creepy neighbor checking out your house a little too often? Good thing Buster has grade-A protection skills. Not only will he not let a dangerous stranger in, but if he senses anyone nearby, he will bark protectively to ensure your safety and happiness.

Not to worry, keep de-stressing knowing you have a backup to your dead bolt and that home time is the time for safety and coziness.

9. They are always happy.

If you are around those who are more happy, you will be more likely to be happy. Dogs are generally always happy if they receive their necessities mentioned above.

For them, life is about the small  and simple things. This, I believe, is one of the true reasons for pure happiness in life. Live low-key with simplicity and happiness. Animals can easily provide this sense of satisfaction.

10. At the end of the day, they are more excited than anyone you've ever met to see you after you get home from work.

Make sure you either have a good jacket to protect yourself or a new pair of pants to replace the old ones that were torn open when you got home yesterday.

Though dogs can't speak your language, I'd bet you have a general understanding of their excitement when you arrive home from work. The daily arrival home from school or work is the most exciting thing in a dog's daily agenda.

As dogs, nothing beats having your owners come home so you can eat, cuddle, play and annoy the shit out of them as much as possible before they are so exhausted they pass out on the couch.

So, why not? What's stopping you? If you're not a fan of people, boring conversations and small talk, having animals around you is good for you, and pets can certainly benefit your well-being.

Though having a little four-legged friend following you around the house may not give you all of the answers to wellness and happiness, I can assure you having a dog can put you on the road to self-satisfaction and learning more about yourself as a person.