THAISRAMOSVARELA

This Unicorn Trend Won't Fix The Fact Our World Is Garbage

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If Twitter is any indication of our collective consciousness, last week's launch of the Unicorn Frapp at Starbucks really sent a lot of us over the edge.

People were not pleased.

One of my friends bought one and had it ruined by a total stranger who yelled, "You're giving yourself diabetes!" to her and her son. They threw out their frapps and bought some green juices instead, and I'm proud of them for doing so.

But it wasn't just the sugar content of a commercialized beverage that put me over the edge on this whole unicorn trend. It's more than that.

Unicorns are a fictional fantasy creature that, for some reason, fully grown adult women and men are fixating on. It's infantilizing, and it's gross.

Here are just a few things about this trend that severely bother me:

First of all, unicorns are for babies.

Why is it that during a moment in our nation's history when social, political and economic circumstances are demanding that we all grow the fuck up, people are deciding that NOW is the time to cover ourselves in fucking glitter and cosplay "My Little Pony" all day long?

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I have news for all of you: No amount of glitter will get your healthcare costs down.

No amount of sparkle-infused charcoal masks will bring the coal industry back to life.

And finally, sticking a horn on your forehead won't keep government laws off your vagina, but it will make you look like a dick.

Second, unicorns are supposed to be special.

Unicorns are special. They are supposed to be magical, mysterious, fantastical, never-before-witnessed creatures.

You're a 20-something with student loan debt and seven roommates. You are not special.

But during a time in our society when everyone seems to be playing a millennial game of I'm-So-Unique, it's just a little on-the-nose that we'd all be prancing around like unicorns.

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Third, Unicorns, if they were real, would probably be deadly.

There's something else about this unicorn trend that really grinds my gears.

Aside from the fact that they aren't real, if they were, they'd probably kill us all.

They are flying fucking horses, WITH A SPEAR BETWEEN THE EYES.

Fourth, we all look gaudy as hell.

Take a look around: glitter undercuts, shimmery eyelids, unicorn chocolate, unicorn earrings, unicorn anal plugs. (Editorial note: I didn't even know unicorn anal plugs existed when I wrote this, but yep, these are a thing.)

I am living in a Lisa Frank nightmare and I can't get out of it. Everywhere I look is a sprawling hell-scape of glitter and rainbow colors, and it makes me wanna live in the first 10 minutes of "Wizard of Oz" just to escape the sensory onslaught.

I know, I know, I know, why would I write a think-piece about the unicorn trend when there are so many other things I could write about?

Because the internet is tailored to you, and you clicked on this. That's why.

Now put down your Unicorn Frapp and go to a BLM rally, for the love of Christ.