Lifestyle

14 Things The Pope Should Do So He Truly Experiences New York City

by Connor Toole

Sep. 24, 2015

After making traffic in Washington DC even more of a nightmare than usual for the past couple of days, Cool Pope Francis is finally bringing his Fiat to the streets of New York City before inexplicably wrapping up his trip to the United States in Philadelphia.

I went to take a look at the pope's itinerary so I could be sure to avoid the madness that will surely follow him everywhere he goes. While you can tell he's put some planning into his trip, I'm a little concerned he's not going to experience the city the way you're supposed to.

He might be saying Mass at Madison Square Garden and speaking in front of the United Nations, but what about the other things tourists do when they get the chance to visit the Big Apple? A private motorcade through Central Park is nice, but I'd rather take a horse-drawn carriage.

To help His Holiness out, I compiled the things he should do to get the true New York City experience. He could also just skip his trip to Philly entirely and take a couple of days to complete this list instead.

Replace communion wafers with dollar pizza.

Show people in Soho what a cool hat really looks like.

Be the European tourist with a selfie stick at a major attraction (and make sure the caption is "#blessed" when the picture is uploaded).

Buy incense from a smoke shop in The Village.

Take a picture with the wax statue of himself at Madame Tussauds in Times Square.

Get a true taste of Italy at the Olive Garden a few blocks away.

Take a dope new profile picture.

Baptize someone in the fountain at Rockefeller Center.

Ponder what Jesus would look like with a man bun.

Bless that table from "When Harry Met Sally" at Katz's Deli.

Deliver a sermon on a subway car that most people will ignore.

Get yelled at by a random person on the sidewalk for not accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, generating more irony in a single moment than all of Brooklyn has in the last 10 years.