18 Things Equally As Pointless As Playboy Will Be Without Nude Photos

For years, stumbling across a stash of Playboy magazines was the closest a horny teenager could come to knowing what it feels like to discover buried treasure.

Because when the most erotic material you have access to is the birthing video you had to watch in health class, having a collection of centerfolds was arguably more valuable than a box of gold doubloons.

Then, of course, the Internet was invented and people started traveling everywhere with a device in their pocket that allows them to access types of pornography most people couldn't imagine in their wildest wet dreams.

Yesterday, Playboy finally admitted it could no longer compete in a world where 15-year-olds can search for "big naked boobs" whenever the spirit moves them (all the time).

Starting in March, Playboy will no longer feature nude photos within its pages, meaning you can now tell people you "read it for the articles" and actually mean it.

Here is a list of things as pointless as the most famous porno magazine without any porn in it:

1. Channing Tatum with his shirt on.

2. A Chipotle burrito without guacamole.

3. A Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp in a wacky costume.

4. The Kardashians without Instagram.

5. A flaccid dick pic.

6. "The Daily Show" without Jon Stewart.

7. Brunch without a hangover.

8. "Law & Order" without dead prostitutes.

9. A squad without goals.

10. Nick Offerman without a mustache.

11. MTV without music. Oh. Right.

12. Salad.

13. An orgy that only allows dry humping.

14. A call to your parents without some disappointment in their voice.

15. A CrossFit workout without photographic evidence.

16. Mel Gibson after 1995.

17. A Jack Nicholson nip slip.

18. Handjobs.