It's graduation season, and all across this beautiful country of ours, students in knock-off "Harry Potter" costumes are being handed the most expensive pieces of paper they'll ever touch.
That is, if they can make it through graduation without their hangover gaining sentience and euthanizing them.
The day you graduate from college is a lovely thing, but much of it is also about as boring as having that uncle of yours discuss the merits of taking the I-90 at rush hour for an hour and a half.
You mix that magnitude of boredom with a hangover (if you don't have a hangover at graduation, you're definitely doing it wrong), and what do you get?
Sleeping kids wearing stupid clothes.
Oh, and I took the liberty of matching these photographs of passed-out students with common graduation ceremony sayings to help you contextualize what you're looking at.
"The future is in your hands."
Don't worry, world, we got this.
"This is the first day of the rest of your lives."
So what was all that before today? Just pre-gaming?
"The world is your oyster."
Yes, the world is your oyster. You know oysters, right? Those cold, wet creatures that look and taste like monkey organs? Yeah, the world is like that for you now.
"Now you stand at the threshold of tomorrow."
“The skills you learned here shall guide you in everything you do.”
"During your tenure here, I'm sure you've made lifelong friendships."
"What shall your legacy here be?"
This girl would like to be remembered as the person who did not vomit during graduation, even though her hangover felt like WWIII and salmonella had a baby.
“Education is not a destination, it is a journey.”
You know journey's have ends, right? You know that, right?
"You came here to learn, now you go forth to serve."
Yeah, go out and serve. You know, like this teacher, who has headphones in his ears and is straight up sleeping with his shoes off.
“Remember, the skills you learned here guide you in everything you do.”
Not even Obama, or being on live TV, could keep this guy awake at his graduation.
"You are our future."
Okay, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a judge not a graduating student, but they wear the same outfits so whatever. Leave me alone.
"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."
The only struggle this girl is in right now is trying to decide whether or not its socially acceptable to lie down on the ground.
"There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs."
Actually, there is an elevator to success. It's called being really famous and making a sex tape.
"Always follow your dreams."
What if this is your dream, though? Still chill?
"After all, you are the creator of your own destiny."
Drinking until 4 in the morning the day before you have to sit in the sun in polyester and stare at people walking across a stage for hours is not the best idea in the world.
"...And the future is in your hands."
Honestly, if this guy is our future, I wouldn't be worried.
He knows exactly what he's doing.