Life Isn't Fair: New Zealand Has An Official Wizard And We Don't
He was born Ian Brackenbury Channell, but he eventually became the first Wizard of New Zealand.
None of this is a joke.
Without a bunch of wars to fight all the time, New Zealand is pretty chill. The biggest thing New Zealanders have to worry about is what's going to happen to the economy after they've milked the Tolkien books for all they're worth (reality TV idea: "Real Houseorcs of Mordor").
With only stuff like that to give them pause, I guess they thought,
Who cares? Let's make this guy a wizard.
So meet the world's first and only officially recognized wizard.
Don't believe me? Well, here is the proclamation, appointing him as the first Wizard of New Zealand, from the PRIME MINISTER:
Now, people, please pay special attention to the language in this LEGAL DOCUMENT. His duties are as follows:
...to design and promote a new and improved universe which puts New Zealand on top of the world both physically and metaphysically.
I feel like the prime minister wrote this, shirtless, while wrapped in a fur blanket, just after having sex on mushrooms. What I mean to say is: We need to move to New Zealand.
If you're confused right now, that's OK. Let me explain.
He gained his status in the 70s in Christchurch where he entertained tourists and threw down philosophy bombs.
They tried to kick him out a few times, but he just kept on coming back. And people liked him, so in the end they just decided to make him a wizard. You know, normal stuff.
He used to look like this:
A sexy Shakespeare.
He has labeled himself a "Living Work of Art," and he has the documentation to prove it.
If attacked, he is capable of counterattacking and causing considerable damage to conventional conceptions of reality.
Basically, he's like a performance artist philosopher who has been dressing like a wizard and saying wizard stuff for 35 years and I love him more than my dad.
If you're still skeptical this is a real thing, here is some more documentation:
That's his OFFICIAL driver's license. And yes, let's just ignore that New Zealand driver's licenses look like they were designed by your grandfather's friend Alfie, who is "real good with computers."
Here he is "blessing" a rugby match with his dope cauldron.
He was also awarded the Queen's service medal in 2009 (which is, like, an important thing probably).
But the real magic starts when you start watching his videos and checking out his website.
His big things are anti-consumerism and destabilizing assigned gender roles.
One of his philosophical essays is called "Girls Just Want To Have Fun," where he lists this lady as his research assistant:
An important quote from that piece:
My years as an academic sociologist and graduate in theoretical psychology are helpful in applying logical analysis to the problem of proposing reforms in traditional male and female roles which demands cool thinking.
But he also does stuff like get birthed out of a giant egg...
...and mailing himself to Australia.
Yup, he mailed himself to art festival as a work of art. Don't worry he had a small bottle for peeing in, and “liquid food.”
Seriously just check out his site, it is ENCHANTING.
If you want a full list of his accomplishments, or you want to hire him to, like, cast a chill protection spell on your crib, check out his resume.
I'll leave you a section of his mission statement.
My cosmology is not just a material phenomenon, but includes me as an existing cultural being acting out the role of an independent wizard-creator-of-reality.
Party on, buddy. Party on.