Every morning, I tell myself today is the day I start living the life of an architect in a romantic comedy. And every morning, I end up living the life of one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before he became a mutant ninja. I am a sewer turtle.
Fresh-squeezed orange juice, any feeling that isn't caribou-seeing-a-wolf-level panic and personal hygiene are three things that have nothing to do with my mornings.
But a boy can dream, can't he?
*As Bradley Cooper famously once said in a dream I had about a sniper who kills clouds:
Even in the darkest clouds, there is a silver lining.
Unfortunately, that silver lining is just a trick of the light, whereas the hurricane that flooded your basement and killed your dog is very real.*
I've broken down the standard Millennial morning and compared the ideal fantasies to the harsh realities. This information was gathered from a clinical study of over a gajabillion Millennials and does not reflect my personal traits in any way.
Fantasy: Wake up early so you can have a bit of "you time" before you have to go to work.
Reality: Have your cool "Harry Potter" dream interrupted by the psychic premonition that you are late.
Watch with sound if you know what's good for you.
Fantasy: Brew yourself a nice cup of coffee while NPR helps you become more informed about current events.
Reality: You only have time to snort some sugar and suck on tea bags.
Fantasy: Make yourself a nutritious breakfast that will provide you with energy throughout the work day.
Reality: Eat floor food.
Fantasy: Take a long, warm shower so you feel fresh and alert for the rest of the day.
Reality: Take a baby-wipe bird bath.
Fantasy: Go to the gym before work because endorphins are the only drug you need.
Reality: You only have time for, like, a SUPER quick nunchuck exercise.
I barely have any time to hone my skills now! (RIP Master Yoshi.)
If you want to learn how to not be like me, watch this video: