In the weeks leading up to the release of "Spectre," the Internet has been filled with a cacophony of thinkpieces and blistering hot takes about whether or not James Bond is a relic of an era when a movie with a character named "Pussy Galore" could still have a PG rating.
And, you know what? This time we're going to join in.
Realistically, it doesn't make sense to give an alcoholic and borderline nymphomaniac a luxury car and "license to kill" (really, England?) whoever he wants when you can have some chubby dude in the basement of MI6 do the same thing with a drone while snacking on a piece of teriyaki beef jerky.
Even if James Bond was never meant to be an accurate representation of your typical spy, too much has changed in the past 50 years for him to have basically stayed exactly the same.
It's time for Bond to move into a new era -- even if it makes him totally unrecognizable.
Here is what cool-murderer-snob James Bond would actually be like in modern times.
Showing three inches of sexy ankle is a crucial component of the male Millennial's mating ritual. You know what they say about guys with thick ankles... ;)
(To be clear: They say they also have thick dicks)
Aston Martins have terrible mileage.
Millennial James Bond knows the build-up of greenhouse gases and the melting of the polar ice caps are the greatest threats to national security.
Alcoholic-with-a-gun James Bond is now just really into local breweries.
No wonder the Cold War was so f*cked up. You had alcoholics spying on Russians, who basically breastfeed their kids with vodka. Of course it was a sh*t show.
Misogyny is not sexy anymore.
I know once upon a time a British guy who was a sh*t to women wrote a series of books about a British guy with a gun who was a sh*t to women, and then a bunch of guys who were sh*ts to women made those books into a bunch of movies about a guy being a sh*t to women and tons of guys who were sh*ts to women went and saw those movies and really enjoyed them, but being a sh*t to women has, nevertheless, always been sh*tty... and modern Jamie B don't play like that.