First of all, I'd like to make a brief disclaimer. I do NONE of these things. When I work from home, I sit at my IKEA desk in a suit and work relentlessly to maintain the high standard I have always set for myself in the workplace.
Everything you shall read below was culled from extensive interviews I performed over several years with employees at all the major American companies that employ Millennials in New York City. (HEAR THAT, BOSS PEOPLE?! I DON'T DO ANY OF THESE!)
But seriously, I only do like 40 percent of these. OK, 50 percent. OK, 60 percent. Please, don't fire me, Tom!
OK, now that's out of the way, let us begin our journey into the mind of the Millennial who just got permission to work from home.
PS. I include "eat" four times on this list. That's why there are 14 numbers below. (That's for all the mathletes out there! #MeanGirls #HashtagJokesAreStillFunny #Hashtag.)
1. Wake up literally one minute before the workday starts.
There is little in this life more satisfying than opening your eyes, turning off your alarm, opening your laptop and suddenly being at work. It's the closest we will get to teleportation in our lifetimes.
2. Spend the first hour of your workday still in bed.
I read somewhere Truman Capote did all his writing in bed. What I'm saying here is we're all Truman Capote.
3. Eat a king's breakfast.
This will invariably involve you saying out loud to no one,
MANIES AND GENTLEWOMEN, I AM THE MOZART OF BREAKFAST SANDWICHES!
4. Watch some Netflix.
After all, “The Daily Show” is basically like reading the newspaper, and TV shows about murder were designed to improve productivity in the average Millennial.
This activity will, of course, be immediately followed by the paranoia someone in IT bugged your computer and knows what you are doing.
5. Remember to brush your teeth at noon.
This usually occurs after you have the thought,
Man someone's breath smells terrible in this room I'm in alone.
6. Finally put on pants.
Oh, I forgot to mention, you've been naked from the bellybutton down since 10 pm last night.
7. Take a quick nap.
You read somewhere napping increases creativity! Supposedly the Coen brothers are really into napping, and they made “The Big Lebowski." So, you know, a quick nap will definitely help you turn those work emails into comedic masterpieces.
8. Sleep for too long and feverishly check your computer to see if anyone messaged or emailed you 45 minutes ago.
They didn't. Somehow, you're in the clear. It's like that scene from "Pulp Fiction" where Samuel L. Jackson's character starts believing in God because none of the bullets shot at him hit their mark. I'm saying you're a Christian now. Amen.
9. Masturbate.
You know, to wake up.
(It's sad, that Christian thing from number eight never really lasts.)
10. Organize your entire apartment and clean all the dishes and buy three pairs of pants online and take a 40-minute shower.
There is nothing that makes you do productive domestic stuff more than trying to avoid doing productive work stuff.
11. Eat.
Yesterday's Chinese food.
12. Eat.
Last week's Chinese food.
13. Eat.
Whatever is left in the house -- usually peanut butter straight out of the jar with a spoon.
14. Somehow, be way more productive than you normally are.
Scientists and psychologists are stumped at this irrefutable truth. No matter how many tests and calculations and studies they do, why a person working from home gets more done, despite having a cornucopia of distractions (porn) at their fingertips ("Law & Order"), remains a mystery.
