Unfortunately, this was not a map to buried treasure, unless you're a coke fiend who considers granules of cocaine stuck in your nostrils as "buried treasure."
Just like Charlie hoping to find his golden ticket, 13-year-old Robbie Chappell of Hayling Island, Hampshire all the way in the UK thought he had hit the jackpot after finding a message in a bottle.
Sure, the bottle was a Heineken and not some sort of 1700s jug of Caribbean port, but you never know. Captain Jack Sparrow might like a nice Heine every now and then.
After discovering the bottle while taking his dog for a walk on Sunday, the teen eagerly went home to reveal its contents with a hammer.
Robbie struck not once, not twice, not thrice but... uh, whatever the olde term for five times is. "Fice?" Is it "fice?"
His stepdad Robert Smith managed to capture the grand opening on camera, and the message they found was shocking.
Dan and Dan was here 1/10/16 12.19pm out our nuts on cocaine! Massive love for the sesh! Lots of love sesh gremlins.
Gremlins? Don't you know that you never give Gremlins water and certainly not cocaine.
After that, it was Robert who put the message's disappointment best, saying,
No pirates, then. Just druggies.
YO HO, YO HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR GOD'S SAKE WHERE THE EFF IS MY COKE?!
Also, "No pirates, then, Just druggies" sounds like the rules for one of Stefon's clubs.
After the bottle was broken and its message revealed, Robbie's mom Catharine Smith called it "the world's worst message in a bottle effort."
Of course, this doesn't include my message in a bottle that I wrote in high school to a girl in England I had a crush on:
Dear (REDACTED), Please come across the pond. Fondly, Your Yankee
Well, there you have it, folks. The spirit of adventure is officially dead in the water (probably from an overdose).