The McDonald's Hamburglar Is Back And The Internet Is Tearing Him Apart
The Hamburglar used to be one of McDonald's weird, kid-oriented mascots, and he retired 13 years ago for reasons that were never really made clear.
I think it's because he looked like this:
There's no way the face under that mask isn't covered in boils.
However, it seems a lot of people loved that little weirdo because McDonald's decided to bring him back with a brand new look.
Joel Yashinsky, McDonald's vice president of brand and marketing, told Mashable,
We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he's been out of the public eye all these years. He's had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.
Yeah, someone had sex with that creature and birthed a hell child.
McDonald's teased the new look with a series of unsettling videos.
The Legend. The Lore. The good looks? Hamburglar is back, America, and he's after our Sirloin Third Pound Burgers! https://t.co/M2Zi2OXo4u — McDonald's (@McDonalds) May 7, 2015
Apparently, the Hamburglar is a serial killer? Pretty sure only serial killers have secret rooms with their notoriety plastered all over the walls...
Then came the official photographs.
I introduce to you the Hamburglar.
Honestly, I don't remember the old Hamburglar at all, but apparently, he was A BIG DEAL.
It feels like someone just looked at the old Hamburglar and thought, "How do we make this guy more like a porn star?"
The people of the Internet remembered him, though. Within minutes, they were devouring his corpse.
Really not feeling the new Hamburglar design pic.twitter.com/QStb4RP279 — Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 6, 2015
Not into this new Hamburglar pic.twitter.com/9JpDz2d2Kt — Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) May 6, 2015
Wonder how many bros just quietly added "Hamburglar" to their "Halloween '15 Braindump" Evernote. — Lindsay Robertson (@lindsayism) May 6, 2015
[INT. MCDONALDS HQ] EXEC stands in front of WHITE BOARD: Gentlemen, I present: the turnaround plan! WHITE BOARD READS: "HOT HAMBURGLAR" — Rusty Foster (@rustyk5) May 6, 2015
Either they were making fun of him...
Pretty sure new Hamburglar is actually 1990s WWF wrestler the Repo Man. @sundownmotel back me up here. pic.twitter.com/Wy0T7AUSGd — Chris Welch (@chriswelch) May 6, 2015
"Mom? I have amazing news. I'm the new Hamburglar. Is Dad awake?" — Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) May 7, 2015
It's super obvious that Superman is Clark Kent, but it's even more obvious that The Hamburglar is Macklemore. pic.twitter.com/Vi23so5mLF — Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) May 6, 2015
Calling him creepy...
The Hamburgler is back & @McDonalds remakes him kinda creepy... http://t.co/HdpxzLTLFL #RobbleRobble @McDonaldsCorp — Emlyn D. Thomas (@EmlynDThomas) May 6, 2015
#TrueDetectiveSeason2 pic.twitter.com/RxwT0Uz0RS — Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) May 6, 2015
...or thought he was weirdly sexy.
The new Hamburglar is kind of a DILF. http://t.co/M3JyUESLml pic.twitter.com/mVd0SKkmOI — Annie Colbert (@anniecolbert) May 6, 2015
I would let the Hamburglar put a dirty hamburger inside me. — molls (@MollySneed) May 7, 2015
So there's a lot going on in the world, but we have to talk about the new hamburglar cuz he's pretty hot http://t.co/aIbTcfJxqR — Ayan Chatterjee (@goayango) May 6, 2015
It's weird that McDonald's new Hamburglar is kind of hot, right? https://t.co/jQsmsY9gt3 — bourbon girl (@brbn_girl) May 6, 2015
Seriously, a lot of people think he's hot.
Uhhhhhh....you guys? I think I might have a crush on the new Hamburglar. http://t.co/JmKOFqgJQm pic.twitter.com/RYSbjtt9qn — jamie clare bell (@jamieclarebell) May 6, 2015
You know, in the way all hamburger-obsessed people are...
The thing about the new Hamburglar is that he doesn't look like he's ever eaten at McDonalds. — Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) May 7, 2015
Because who DOESN'T want to pork a masked thief wearing red latex gloves?
New Hamburglar immediately became my Tinder picture — CurtOFranklin (@curtofranklin) May 6, 2015
Others pointed out he's basically just a hipster Zorro.
THE NEW HAMBURGLAR SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE HE IRONICALLY ENJOYS HAMBURGERS pic.twitter.com/okkLbvHBZy — Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 6, 2015
McDonald's new Hamburglar only steals artisanal locally sourced hamburgers pic.twitter.com/Hx2pqbeDER — Desus Nice (@desusnice) May 6, 2015
The Hamburglar was delivering weed for a dispensary in West LA before he was discovered 3 hours ago. pic.twitter.com/dDYkp66aXD — Newton Stern (@newtonstern) May 6, 2015
So what are you waiting for, dummies? Go get in on the Twitter action!
thought of a really funny Hamburglar tweet but now realize it'll work much better as a suicide note — Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) May 6, 2015
Here's a sample Hamburglar tweet to get you started.
I'd let the new hamburglar something something food/sex pun — hashtag hannah (@hahanuhuhh) May 6, 2015