I want to start of by saying this article is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice.
If you were going into the piece like that, then for God's sake, get a doctor.
And don't tell me you can't afford health insurance because I survived for years on nothing but a Tinder account and dates with dentists and gynos.
So with that little disclaimer in mind, here is how much sleep you need based on your zodiac sign:
Aries: 30 minutes, tops
Aries, your unstoppable childlike energy can keep you going for days.
Sure, once in a while you'll pass out, retreat to your cave and sleep like a baby, but for the most part, you have more energy than a manic episode.
Your life is a rat race, and your sleep is a rest race.
Taurus: all day, every day
Tauruses are lazy AF, and if you're not busy eating or sitting on the couch, you're sleeping on it.
You love the thrill of a whole day spent completely horizontal, shopping online, reading books and listening to music on vinyl.
And who can blame you? Not me.
You know how to live life like it's one long vacation in Palm Beach.
Gemini: brief commercial breaks
In between bouts of reading, scrolling the internet and checking Twitter and Facebook while FaceTiming with three of your friends, you've been known to take a disco nap or two.
But overall, you hate sleep. It just reminds you of everything you could be missing out on.
Cancer: only when you're upset
Cancers are busybodies, always fixing things around the house and tending to their passion projects.
But when any of those plans go awry, or you feel like you got the runaround from someone you were depending on, you retreat.
You head into your cave to close the shades and cry-sleep under the covers until you're ready to re-emerge into society.
Leo: nap queen
Like a lion, you spend a lot of time getting in those hard naps.
After all, a sign as vain as you are needs a shitload of beauty rest. It's how you stay looking so damn fly.
You may be an extroverted sign, but you design your entire living space around solitude and relaxation because pampering yourself is so important to you.
Virgo: at least eight hours a night, doctor's orders
Virgo, you aren't one to mess with your health.
So whether a medical professional tells you that you need eight hours or two hours, you're going to follow their advice.
And if you don't succeed by getting in the "right" amount, you beat yourself up about it until you're too exhausted to stay awake.
Libra: two hours one night and 10 the next to restore the balance
Libra, your number one priority in life is keeping the scales balanced.
So if you spent all week on your ass, you'll spend the weekend at the gym.
And if you spent Saturday night up 'til dawn, you'll be in bed on Sunday by 5 pm to make up for lost time.
Scorpio: no idea
Honestly, for all I know, Scorpios retreat to a coffin in the basement of a haunted house to sleep every day until dusk.
Their private lives and personal habits are a mystery to me and everyone else, including their intimate partners.
Are you guys even real, or are you holographs that just come and go as you please?
Sagittarius: five hours passed out anywhere (with your clothes on)
Your life is a party, Sagittarius, and you keep it going until you literally can't anymore.
So, you get your sleep in wherever and whenever it happens.
In fact, sleep for a typical Sagittarius is less of a ritual event and more of a hiccup in the long, ongoing adventure you call life.
Capricorn: It's the thread count, not the hours, that matter.
Capricorn, you are ambitious as hell and work hard for your money.
So regardless of the amount of sleep you get each night, you're going to be sure it is on some five-star hotel quality, 1,000-thread count sheets.
It doesn't matter how long you sleep if you're being pampered like you're at the Four Seasons, right?
Aquarius: early to bed, early to rise
Aquarius, with a mind as active as yours, you'll be lucky to sleep a wink.
But then again, you get your best ideas when you're dreaming.
Out of all the signs, you're the most likely to have a notepad next to your bed so you can wake up and jot down all your brilliant thoughts.
And when you wake up (early as hell), you'll make 'em a reality.
You're saving the world with your genius.
Pisces: four hours when you're happy, 15 when you're depressed
Pisces, you have an almost manic ability to go beyond the physical needs of your body when you're in a good mood.
For instance, if you're out dancing surrounded by friends, you can feed off their energy and stay up all night.
But if you're feeling sad, you will disappear into a sleep-induced isolation, escaping your feelings by going into your own private dreamland.
It's sad, but true.
Sweet dreams, everyone!