10 Definitive Answers To Pressing Questions 9th Graders Have About Sex

For three years, a teacher asked students to anonymously submit sex ed questions. Now, for the sake of posterity, this educator shared a carefully plucked selection for us to marvel at.

So what do we learn from looking at these notes? Basically, we learned 9th graders REALLY need sex ed. Because they've literally no clue what's going on.

After reading these questions for a while, I half expected someone to ask if sex was when a boy pees into a girl and then dies.

Sexual education is crucial in the development of our young citizens, so I will endeavor to answer at least one query from each of these selections. You are welcome in advance.

Let us begin.

Childbirth Questions:

Question: "What if the poop go out instead of a baby?"

Answer: Unfortunately, if "the poop" comes out, instead of the baby, then the mother is obligated to now raise and love the poop as if it were her child. This is God's plan.

Getting Pregnant Questions:

Question: "Can a man get pregnant?"

Answer: Yes, a man can get pregnant -- that is, if he puts his penis in his butthole and counts to a thousand while laying in the sun. This is the only way.

Anal Sex Questions:

Question: "If u have butt sex and someone cums in ur butt and u fart, [what] happens?"

Answer: Much like how sneezing with your eyes open causes your eyes to pop out, if you fart during anal sex, the penis will immediately explode due to the extreme pressure buildup. But there are doctors who are very experienced in reconfiguring exploded penises, and it is no longer considered that big of a deal.

Pubic Hair Questions:

Question: "Is it normal to have one loooooong pubic hair in the genital area?"

Answer: Yes, this perfectly natural and an important stage in our development. Everyone grows it. Some cultures even claim the length of this loooooong hair can predict a person's lifespan, but this theory has not been proven by Western medicine.

Miscellaneous Questions:

Question: "What is a micropenis?"

Answer: Whatever you have, Scott.

Masturbation Questions:

Question: "What is the point of masturbation? Does it help you out in any sort of way?"

Answer: Yes. Frequent masturbation can result in various federal tax benefits.

Orgasms and Squirting Questions:

Question: "Can a man ejaculate without any cause (for no reason)?"

Answer: No. There must always be a reason. Examples of reasons are things like "because it's what was foretold in the Bible" and "for the sake of justice," as well as "because Obamacare."

Erection Questions:

Question: "Is it possible to get an erection from watching a TV show or movie?"

Answer: Unfortunately, no, this is not possible. Extensive tests have been done with all the Jessica Alba movies.

Condom Questions:

Question: "Would a plastic bag work as a condom?"

Answer: Yes, this is in fact a common practice among young professionals in New York City who have dubbed the activity "poncho-ing."

Penis Size Questions:

Questions: "AVERAGE DIK SIZE?"

Answer: The average penis size in 73 inches. If your penis is any less than that number, something is wrong with you and you should seek medical attention immediately. You are probably suffering from an acute case of "Loser's Penis." Sadly, it's fatal.

Citations: Imgur