Sorry to break it to you, but we are all just animals wearing people clothes.
Sure, society has done its best to make us civilized and polite.
And yes, most of us now don't poop on the floor (go ahead, give yourself a round of applause for that), but when we are alone, another (grosser) side of us inevitably rears its ugly, shameless head.
Since I am an excellent journalist, I asked hundreds of coworkers and friends to tell me about all the gross stuff they do when they are alone in their apartments so I could have an accurate understanding of the disgusting behavior of American Millennials.
Let me repeat, I asked thousands of people about the gross things they do and definitely did not just write down things I do in my apartment when no one can see.
I don't think you're getting this. I asked one million people about this stuff. This is a compilation of what they said.
This is not just me. This is gathered from 100 million of my closest friends and coworkers.
OK, um, let's start.
1. Hanging out on the toilet after you're done pooping.
Sometimes I'll just find myself sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes after I'm definitely finished pooping. Yes, sometimes my feet fall asleep. I dunno, it's a nice place to read. And I'm already sitting down.
2. Looking at your butthole in the bathroom mirror once every few years.
Listen, you gotta check it out sometimes. Make sure it's still around.
3. Smelling your feet by raising them directly to your face like an orangutan.
You gotta know, though.
This is when you are too lazy to shower, so you decide to clean just your smelliest parts in the sink like a champion.
5. Popping pimples with relish
It's like surprise bubble wrap but, you know, on your face.
6. Peeing in the shower.
It's less gross (but still very gross) when guys do this because they can, like, aim the pee with a sniper's accuracy directly into the drain. On the other hand, girls are basically just straight-up peeing on their feet.
7. Arranging your remote, your food, your cell phone and your weed/bottle of rosé around you on the couch so you don't have to move for hours on end.
I call this one "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly." If you don't get that reference, good. Because it is offensive.
8. Hanging out with your hands on your genitals.
I don't know why, but clutching one's genitals is like the memory foam of lounging positions. It's just so comfortable. This applies to men and women, but I hear women get the added comfort of boob-holding, too.
9. Searching for lint in your bellybutton (and finding it).
Is this just me? My bellybutton is basically a lint boobytrap. By now I could make a sweater for a husky child from all the lint I've found in that motherf*cker over the years.
10. Not cutting your toenails until they are long enough to scratch someone you're sleeping next to.
I obviously don't relate to this one at all. Literally in no way at all does this have anything to do with me. But I hear the rationale is: "I dunno, who the f*ck is gonna be looking at my feet?"
11. Masturbating anywhere that is not your bed.
There is a very specific breed of shame you feel when you find yourself at your kitchen table after having just finished masturbating. Especially if you immediately start eating the rest of that sandwich.
12. Sitting in the shower because life is hard.
Sometimes you just have to take some time to yourself.
13. Peeing, like, just A TINY BIT, in your pants cause you don't want to get up.
LIKE JUST A BIT, GUYS!
14. Porn. All of it.
No explanation needed. We've all watched things that would give Victorians a brain aneurism.
15. Turning your socks inside out on laundry day.
It doubles the amount of socks you have, guys! IT DOUBLES IT!!!!!
16. Eating until the second you fall asleep so you sometimes find food in your bed.
If I'm awake, I'm eating.
17. Not changing your clothes until you have to see someone you know.
Why would you need to smell good if no one is going to come within 3 feet of you?
18. Leaving boogers under all the tables and couches in America.
I've been working on this booger art project for my whole life. I expect to be revered as a genius posthumously.