Proof That Every Graduation Commencement Speech Is Basically Mad Libs

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I don't know if Hell exists, but if it does, I imagine it involves you nursing a hangover while getting steadily more sunburned in the back row of a graduation ceremony where the commencement speaker delivers a speech that literally never ends.

It's either that or you spend eternity speeding through an endless tunnel in subway car full of drama students screaming songs from Disney movies. I don't know which is worse, but I wouldn't wish either fate on my worst enemy

For the sake of reference, my worst enemy is the girl at the gym who stops to take a sip from her water bottle halfway through filling it up at the water fountain even though she knows people are waiting. Even she doesn't deserve that kind of torture.

I've graduated from multiple things -- even preschool -- and while those ceremonies were all unique, there was one major unifying factor: Every single speech is essentially the same.

It's like there's a template out there every commencement speaker consults before writing almost universally excruciating addresses, and if there wasn't, there is now.

Apologies in advance for any flashbacks caused by this Mad Libs I constructed.

First, make sure people know you know something about the school to get them on your side.

Pausing for a pointless anecdote is absolutely essential.

After a certain point, you can say whatever you want as more and more people tune out. Just make sure you close strong, preferably using terrible jokes.

I also had a few people in the office help me fill it out. I'd argue this is more entertaining than any actual speech you'll hear this year.