Full disclosure: I've been out of college for a while now. If a child was born on the day I graduated from college, it would now be old enough to know its father isn't actually the strongest person in the world.
Honestly, the last essay I wrote was titled "Why It's OK You Won't Achieve Your Dreams," and it was hand-written on the back of a bunch of unpaid bills from Con Ed.
So, for the sake of this article, I contacted a real shaman and underwent some deep hypnosis. Through this, my mind was able to psychically travel back to my senior year of college.
What you see below is the actual transcript of my train of thought as I tried to write an essay titled "Virginia Woolf And The Synchronicity Of Memory." (Yes, I was very obnoxious then -- but don't worry, now I'm way more down to earth and write unpretentious stuff like "Why Are Celebs Always So Hot?" and "The 75 Thoughts You Have While Procrastinating Writing A Final Paper.")
PS: Shoutout to Tommy Kazam, the best card-carrying #genuine shaman in Brooklyn! (Reach him at 1-800-WOW-TIME or on Twitter at @KindaTrippyStuff69.)
OK, let us begin!
1. OK, I have a week to write this paper.
2. That's totally enough time.
3. OK, I have 48 hours to write this paper.
4. A week was literally too much time.
5. Two days is more than enough.
6. OK, I have 24 hours to write this paper.
7. Honestly, this paper is super simple.
8. I don't even know what I'm nervous about.
9. OK, this paper is due in eight hours.
10. Which family emergency should I pick?
11. OK, I got a 48-hour extension because I told my professor my grandmother died of herpes.
11. Alright, now I ACTUALLY have eight hours to write this paper.
12. (Thank you, Grandma.)
13. Let's begin.
14. (Sorry, Grandma.)
16. I should do A LOT of research.
17. (I love you, Grandma.)
18. Time to learn more about Virginia Woolf!
19. God, Woolf is such a weird name.
22. It just sounds like someone who is taking a long time to say "wolf."
23. Or like someone saying "wolf" on the ride home after getting wisdom teeth surgery.
24. When I got my wisdom teeth removed, I thought my dad was the cab driver.
25. Sh*t, back to Virginia Woolf.
26. I wonder if wolves got their name because "wolf" kind of sounds like "woof."
27. You know, like the sound dogs make.
28. Kind of hard to believe all dogs are descendants of wolves.
29. That's too weird.
30. One time, I saw a bulldog vomit neon.
31. Then eat it.
32. It was my ex's dog.
33. God, I loved that dog.
34. I should've just dated the dog.
35. Stop thinking about dogs, Alec!
36. How much time do I have left?
37. Should I kill off any other family members?
38. No, you can only use that excuse once a semester.
39. Maybe someone could just get seriously injured?
40. OK, Virginia Woolf.
41. I've never even been to Virginia.
42. I've definitely been a virgin, though.
43. Thank God that's no longer a thing.
44. Should I watch porn?
45. You know, to wake up a little?
46. No, this paper is more important than boobies.
47. Well, in the short term it is.
48. In the long term, boobies are definitely more important.
49. Well, depends on the boobies, I guess.
50. You can think about boobies later.
51. You think about boobies every day, today is Virginia Woolf day.
52. But Virginia Woolf had boobies, so it's kind of relevant.
53. "The Relevance Of Virginia Woolf's Boobies" would be a good essay.
54. It could be all about how, through her stream-of-conscious-baroque-prose style, she captured the robust, kaleidoscopic experience of being a woman.
55. Woah, that actually kind of sounded smart, Alec.
56. Maybe I could actually write about that.
57. I'll just start and find the quotes later.
58. Blah blah blah blah blah.
60. Blah blah blah blah.
62. Blah blah blah.
64. Blah. Blah.
71. Sh*t! I fell asleep!
72. Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah -- DONE!
73. Should I proofrea...
75. College is easy.