It's almost 2017, and people still think it's fun to dress up as Catholic schoolgirls during role-play.
But I think this is unacceptable.
The future is female, people, and it's time for our sex lives to reflect our newfound power.
So the next time your one-night stand, boyfriend or friend with benefits suggests using a ball gag to spice things up, tell him, "Sure, let me just hop into my time machine and transport myself into the 1800s, when silent women were considered sexy."
Screw your stupid ball gag, Aiden. It's time to wise up.
Here, finally, are some feminist role-play scenarios for you and whatever man you're into that night because it's time to flip the script.
1. He could act out Mark Ruffalo's speech for Planned Parenthood.
Mark Ruffalo is a cutie pie no matter what character he's playing, so regardless of the outfit, the only materials needed here is maybe a cute bedhead wig and a pouty smile.
Oh, and you'll want this letter Mark wrote on a woman's right to choose, inspired by his own mother... Swoon.
Here's a sneak peak of what he said:
I invite you to find your voice and let it be known that you stand for abortion rights and the dignity of a woman to be the master of her own life and body. I invite you to search your soul and ask yourself if you actually stand for what you say you stand for. Thank you for being here today and thank you for standing up for the women in my life.
Have your man read this to you with passion and conviction, while you play the enemy law man. Then, jump on his lap and head straight to dick town.
2. He could dress up as a better credit score.
The only materials needed for this are two large sheets of paper, a piece of string to make shoulder straps and a permanent marker to write the credit score of your choice on it.
OK, so maybe this might embarrass him.
But you know what? Last time I checked, I felt pretty damn stupid in a Wonder Woman costume.
So, if he has a problem wearing a sandwich board with the number 800 on it or "feels dumb" whispering into your ear about creating a stable future together, ask him if he'd rather try on that stupid, red, plastic bra, panty and cape combo you wore for him on Halloween.
3. You could reverse the condom argument.
This time, instead of listening to him argue about how "condoms just don't feel as good" and defending yourself against all his former partners and their possible STDs, play with the opposite!
This time, you be the one who isn't responsible for birth control, while he defends the safety and security of his body and future in a really passive, apologetic way.
You could tell him that "like, even having to deal with birth control just really turns you off."
This is a beautiful reversal of the classic "condoms don't really feel good" line.
4. He could dress like Chris Hemsworth while you watch the new "Ghostbusters" in full costume.
I realize that gathering the materials for this will mostly fall on you, but this is a role-play costume you could actually get excited about.
We all remember how drop-your-panties sexy Chris Hemsworth was when he played a dumb male secretary in "Ghostbusters" (the good one, with the women in it).
That sexiness wasn't just because of his face, body and everything else, but also because of the feminist role reversal he was totally down for.
This sexy scenario is so empowering, you'll feel like making a brand new "Ghostbusters," starring just the two of you.
5. You're Khaleesi, and he's the dragon.
This is a classic reversal of that tired AF dog collar routine. Do you think Rosie the Riveter ever let a man put a dog collar around her neck?
No. And that's because she was fictional, so she didn't have to deal with a man looking her dead in the eyes like, "But babe, it'll be sexy."
You know what's sexy? You dressing up as a dragon priestess with a man you can control with your mind.
So slap a tail on that dude and ride him 'til he breathes fire.
Who's the subservient one now, Aiden? YOU ARE.