It's Girl Scout Cookie season, which means for the low, low price of $4, you can buy a box of happiness only to experience the immense shame and regret when it's empty a half hour later.
It's a tradition unlike any other, and despite the self-loathing that it undoubtedly spawns, I look forward to making a $20 "charitable donation" every year and subsequently refusing to pace myself. While I can't pick a favorite, I know from experience that other people can be very vocal about what their favorite Girl Scout Cookie is.
I've witnessed a fair number of overblown arguments concerning the best flavor of Girl Scout Cookies, and feel like I'm more than qualified to make snap judgments concerning a person's personality based on his or her allegiance.
Here's what your favorite Girl Scout Cookie says about you:
You appreciate the subtle things in life. You're cool, dark and mysterious and are drawn to people with similar attributes. While some people might describe you as "quiet" or "reserved," your presence is a refreshing change of pace when compared to the markedly more brash and in-your-face company you keep.
Either that or you're a gluten-free vegan who buys Thin Mints as an excuse to tell people you're a gluten-free vegan. Keep fighting the good fight.
You're exotic and adventurous, willing to try things that you normally don't get to experience. Even though you don't really like coconut, you go out of your way to make sure people know you're eating it to prove how exotic and adventurous you are.
Your goal in life is to one day have four large, muscular men with tribal tattoos carry you to a cabana on the Pacific Ocean where you're given all the piña coladas you can drink. There's also a chocolate fountain because if you're going to have fantasies, you might as well go big.
Tagalongs Tagalongs are a perfect combination of chocolate, peanut butter and cookie, creating a timeless combination of flavors and textures that I look forward to every year. The only thing liking Tagalongs says about you is that you're probably normal. You don't have any allergies, you don't mind non-organic ingredients and you appreciate classic flavor combinations.
If you refer to them as "Peanut Butter Patties," I will assume that you're a nerd who carries around a pocket thesaurus because you insist on using twice the necessary syllables to describe things.
More importantly, if someone claims to not enjoy Tagalongs, immediately leave the room and dial 9-1-1. People who don't like Tagalongs have structural issues with their amygdala that make them far more likely to murder you for your skin. It's best not to take any chances.
Yawn. People who like Do-Si-Dos either hate trying new things or they are Spanish-speakers who always insist on buying two boxes. They're Tagalongs without the chocolate (or the excitement). They're a less corporate Nutter Butter. People who buy Do-Si-Dos want people to know they like Girl Scout Cookies but also that they couldn't care less about the mainstream flavors.
That's right, they're Girl Scout Cookie hipsters. Enjoy the disappointment.
It's at this point in my research that I went to find other flavors of Girl Scout Cookies -- I could only name four off the top of my head. I went to get a couple more to round out the list, but apparently there are 12 official flavors, the majority of which I had no idea existed in the first place.
That created a problem. There is nobody on this planet who can seriously say that they like another flavor better than the four I've already discussed. If your favorite hasn't already been mentioned, then here's what it says about you: You have a broken tongue.
Instead of listing those for the next eight entries, I'm going to shift my focus a bit. Don't worry, it will still be in list form, it just won't be what you signed up for.
Presenting, The Girl Scout Cookie Flavors That Shouldn't Exist:
Chocolate Chip Shortbread
This is literally a chocolate chip cookie. Given the other options, why would I ever get a box of chocolate chip cookies? If someone affiliated with Girl Scouts wants to send me a box to prove me wrong, I'll give them a chance. But as far as I can tell, there is no reason for these to exist.
You can argue it's special because it's "shortbread," but you're wrong. In the baking community, "shortbread" is a slang term for "disappointment." There's no helping someone who decides to buy a box of these. This person's imagination is dead and he or she probably makes a living doing something involving math.
Speaking of disappointment, here's a cookie that is only shortbread. I'm not saying there's no place for it in modern society, but I am saying the only people to buy these remember when war rations were a thing.
I also don't like eating things with people on them. A minimalist Girl Scout is still a Girl Scout.
Cranberry Citrus Crisp
There isn't a word in the English language that can adequately describe the simultaneous shock, disappointment and confusion I felt when I discovered these existed. Girl Scout Cookies are not supposed to be good for you. I know these are probably filled with more sugar than all the other types combined, but it's the principle.
If I had no idea there were other options, then these would be my favorite Girl Scout Cookies in the world. Unfortunately, I know better flavors exist, and consequently, these are not my favorite.
These cookies are so unpopular that I couldn't find a picture of them by themselves. Pictured on the top left, this cookie has "thank you" stamped on the front in a variety of foreign languages. It's essentially a talking cookie, and while I know it's not sentient, the implications still makes me uncomfortable.
The big issue for me is the existential crisis that each and every one of these cookies must face. They're only made to thank people for buying them, but I don't know if anyone ever has. That's depressing. We might as well just put them out of their misery.
Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr