This Elephant Trying To Have Sex Is All Of Us During Awkward One-Night Stands
An elephant (who was just doing his workmanly best to pass on his genes to a fertile and willing female companion) had a really bad day in South Africa recently.
Now, if you look closely at the very beginning of this video, you can distinctly see not only does this gigantic mammal shake the earth by falling while he is trying to hump, but he also begins involuntarily spewing elephant diarrhea on his way down.
And look, I don't want to speculate, but one could even argue, in fact, he SLIPS on his own diarrhea. One could argue this is the catalyst of his tumble to the ground. But, I'm not an expert. I'll leave that up to Reddit, seeing as this kind of debate rests squarely within Reddit's wheelhouse.
There is a silver lining here, though.
You see, if anything bad ever happens to you -- say, for example, you accidentally call your cat "mom" in front of a romantic prospect -- just remember this elephant. No matter how bad it gets, you will never be an elephant slipping on its diarrhea while trying to have sex.
Lastly, the elephant in this video is so expressive, I thought I'd try to guess what its internal monologue might have been during this whole exchange.
You will find that below.
Fuck yeah! This busty young phanty can't get enough of my TRUUUNK!!!
Shit -- hold on -- fuck.
Wait! No! I can fix this! This isn't happening!
God, did I shit myself? No, I read somewhere sex closes your butthole. No way I shit myself.
I shit myself.
Maybe if I just stand here like this for the rest of my life, people will think I'm a tree.
...Wind is rustling through my leaves.
Fuck, this isn't working. Should I say something? I should say something.
"Hey! Remember when we were making love a little while ago, and I fell down? Well, this LEOPARD BIT ME. Yeah, that's why I fell. Why did I poop then? Oh, um. In order to blind the leopard. Anyway, it worked."
Did she buy that? Yeah, she probably bought it. That was a really good save.
She didn't buy it.
Wait! Maybe she thinks what happened was, like, adorkable! Maybe she thinks I'm, like, the male, elephant version of Zooey Deschanel! Time for ROUND TWO, MY BEAUTIFUL PHANTY! HERE COMES ZOOEY!!!
Good luck, phanty. Good luck.
Citations: Daily Mail