The Drunk Mistake You'll Make Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Some drunken bloopers are more embarrassing than others, and it's likely you've made every one on this list, unless you live on the prairie.
It's always embarrassing to have to explain why you fell asleep in your living room with your pants around your ankles, but now you have a perfectly legitimate and medical reason for your borderline alcoholic behavior, and it's the zodiac.
Here are the drunken mistakes you're most likely to make, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries: Starting A Bar Fight You're Not Prepared To Finish
Aries are ruled by Mars, the warrior planet, and alcohol just heats up that flaming hot temper you have simmering inside.
If there's one sign that doesn't need the assistance of a substance to openly express themselves, it's Aries. After guzzling down some tequila, they'll be ready to come swinging at anybody who looks at them wrong.
That said, Aries is more of a warrior than a general, and strategy isn't their number one talent.
They aren't likely to size anyone up before spewing some fighting words, and they will quickly discover they don't have the chops to finish this fight.
Taurus: Finishing The Fight That Aries Started
Taurus is an earth sign and is loyal to no end, but they never lose their ground.
They're ruled by the sign of Venus (the planet of love and beauty) and are typically not the fighting kind. But, they're fiercely protective of the ones they love, thanks to the influence of their ruling planet.
Taurus will step in to help that idiot friend when he gets out of control — taking personal offense to the idea of anyone trying to mess with their pals — and will go kung fu all over the enemy of their brethren.
Gemini: Drunk Dialing
Geminis text so much that even their sober texts have a drunk-dialing quality.
They're that friend that texts you that they just got out of the bathroom, and they're "headed to the kitchen," as if you were dying for the update.
This is the influence of their ruling planet Mercury, of communication and technology, and when you combine Mercury with alcohol, you get a bunch of tweets and texts at 4 a.m. that seem to come from a place of pure insanity.
Oh, Donald Trump is a Gemini, by the way. Not that I'm insinuating anything here.
Even sober, Cancers love to strip down into their birthday suits.
Astrologers will agree that Cancers have more than a tendency to drop their pants without even the slightest suggestion, and I believe it's because Cancer is placed in the fourth house of Home in the zodiac.
Home is where we are most comfortable and also where we get naked.
So, when Cancer is out at a bar late at night surrounded by people and decides to drop trou, it's just their way of making themselves at home.
Leo: Hooking Up With A Stranger
Leo is the most vain of any of the signs, and they have all the impulse control of a fire sign — which is none.
So, when they're boozed up and feeling themselves, they'll reach for the closest hottie and decide to give them the gift of the hottest bathroom sex that poor sap has ever known.
Then, they'll leave that loser in the dust and walk out smiling like they've just given money to charity.
Virgo: Vomiting In Your Purse
Leave it to Virgo, the sign of health and service, to take the time out of their busy vomit session to make sure they don't make a mess someone else would have to clean up.
Because Virgo is the most critical perfectionist in the zodiac, they're not going to put themselves in the position of doing something they would judge someone else for, like leaving your germ-ridden vomit in the back of a cab.
Libra: Making up with someone you never meant to forgive
Because of their unhealthy obsession with fairness (they are the sign of justice and equality, symbolized by the scales), Libras really know how to hold a grudge.
But when they get drunk, their social-loving side kicks in and makes forgiveness not just possible, but also inevitable.
You see, Libras are ruled by Venus, and the planet of love makes it tough to hold on to resentment (unless you're resenting someone for the sake of love itself), and Libra is bound to wake up the next day angry with themselves for letting that bitch Becky back into their good graces.
Scorpio: Public Urination
Scorpio is known for being good at hiding — they're the sign of sex and mystery — so after pulling an Irish exit to disappear from a party the night before, it'll be somewhat surprising to find out that they were arrested for exposing their junk to the public on the way home.
Well, it's almost surprising. Leave it to Scorpio to hide their secrets, but not their genitalia.
Sagittarius: Decides To "Flee The Country," Wakes Up On A Bus In Massachusetts
Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of travel, which bestows upon them a desire to exploring ideas, both intellectually and spiritually.
Throw some booze in the mix, and this fire sign is going to follow through on their deepest longings.
They'll declare they're going to flee the country after a heated political debate and wake up to find they didn't have all the motor skills or the financial means to really follow through fully.
Enjoy Tulsa, Sagittarius, or wherever you end up.
Capricorn: Shows Up Drunk And High To A Board Meeting
God forbid a Capricorn get too drunk to show up at work the next day.
This sign is ruled by the 10th house of fame and honor, and they are far too status-conscious to let a full night of drinking interfere with their work responsibilities.
That's what cocaine is for, right, Capricorn?
Aquarius: Close-Face Talking
Aquarians are the biggest oddballs in the zodiac, and when they're sober, they are acutely aware of how strange they are, alternating between enthusiastic and boundaryless interactions and apologetic withdrawals into their own private thoughts.
But when alcohol gets thrown into the mix, they are the worst close-face talkers in the zodiac, acting out their own worst fears of starting a casual conversation and taking a perfect stranger hostage with long rambling stories filled with all their bubbling ideas.
Pisces: Crying At Everything
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the planet of drugs, spirituality and creative thought.
They're the most likely sign to have a problem with drugs and alcohol, and when they're drunk, they are a human sob story.
It's not their fault, though.
They genuinely begin the night looking to have some fun and connect with friends, but halfway through it, they're crying when the bouncer won't let their less attractive friends into the bar and they have to decide between booze and friendships.
They'll pick booze, by the way. Every time.