The thought of having to use public restrooms usually makes me cringe. There are so many factors that play into whether or not I use the facility, and sometimes I have to hold it in like a desert camel.
I can't speak for the conditions of the women's restrooms, as I have never actually had the privilege of stepping foot into one. But, we've all been to a questionable bathroom from time to time. We've had to make hard choices.
Unfortunately, when nature calls, we're forced to make those hard choices and suck it up. Surprisingly, I've been to plenty of "nice" and "upscale" establishments whose bathrooms don't measure up to the high prices they charge.
Essentially, going to the restroom is one big game of roulette that men have to play every time they leave the comforts of their homes. It's a wild, bizarre world that is ever-changing. It can be inhabited by the most random and disturbing human beings known to mankind.
I'm perpetually running through things in my head, and when I go to use the restroom, my mind goes into overdrive. I keep thinking about every little thing that's happening. I wonder what will go wrong, and how I'm going to avoid dying of the plague after I use the restroom.
Have you ever been to the Starbucks bathroom after you've waited 10 minutes for someone to come out? You know that's not a good sign.
Here are 37 thoughts I have when I enter a men's restroom:
1. Will it absolutely reek of urine and feces? 2. Will the floors be covered in urine? 3. I hope there's more than one urinal. 4. Oh great, three urinals, and an assh*le is standing right in the middle. Thanks, dude. 5. Guess I'll try the bathroom stalls. 6. How often do they clean this bathroom? 7. Will I contract any form of illness in this facility? 8. I can only hope the restroom is cleaner than this. 9. I wish the bathroom had digital signs that let me know which spaces are open. 10. Why is there piss all over the floor? 11. Please let the seat be clean. 12. Should I risk catching something? 13. Oh my god. I hope that's just a bleach stain. 14. What was the last person in here doing? 15. You'd think someone would have figured out how to create an automatic air freshening system after each use by now. 16. There'd better be toilet paper left in the dispensary. 17. That guy's foot is awfully close to mine. 18. Is the guy in the stall next to mine OK? 19. Someone should really check in on this guy. Those sounds don't sound right. 20. For the love of god, that smell is nauseating. 21. I would like to do my business in peace and quiet, if only for one moment. 22. Why must people have conversations with strangers in the bathroom? 23. Who puts the toilet paper upside down? 24. Is it over yet? 25. I may just die in here. 26. I just want to wash my hands and move on. 27. Don't have soap dispensers if they're not going to be filled. 28. Why does the bathroom attendant need to hand me a paper towel? 29. Please do not spray me with that cheap cologne, sir. 30. If I walk out of here in one piece, I will be OK. 31. Why is it taking you forever to wash your hands? It's simple: soap, water, rinse. 32. How am I going to open the door now that my hands have been washed? 33. I wonder how many people have opened this door after not washing their hands? 34. Are there secret cameras in the bathroom? Is there some creepy pervert watching us all? 35. That was an experience I never want to go through again. 36. I hope the women's bathroom is cleaner than the men's.