Gerry McBride is an Irish comedian from Dublin who brought his 3-year-old child to go see “Finding Dory,” the sequel to “Finding Nemo."
It is, I can only assume, about more anthropomorphized child-fish lost by their inattentive fish-parents.
Needless to say, uh, he didn't like the movie.
Much like I did during Sunday's debate in order to feel like I had a semblance of control over what I was seeing, McBride live-tweeted his harrowing experience.
Now, he technically tweeted all of this when he got home, but, uh, let's just ignore that because he did it in the spirit of live-tweeting, so, um, shut up.
Gerry McBride's Twitter is actually private -- I guess Irish people are moderately less desperate for attention than we are -- so I've collected them all into one one rant for your enjoyment.
We went to see Finding Dory this morning and let me tell you this, it's a great way to shave a few years off your term in Purgatory. Don't read any further if you intend to watch FD at some point, cos I'm about to spoil the shit out this sumbitch. We took the kids to see Dory at 10 this morning cos it's only 2 euro on weekends…
Going to a movie with small children at 10 in the morning seems hellish enough to begin with. But McBride had several other problems with the animated film.
The fish never plan anything. They just jump from peril to peril and escape by the narrowest of margins. They're in the actual sea for ten minutes at the start, and the rest is spent jumping into receptacles of water of ever-decreasing size. They jump from the sea into a swimming pool into a smaller pool into a coffee pot, then later they jump into jets of water from a fountain.
I got to the stage where I was like if that fish doesn't get in that goddamn aquarium in the next 5 minutes, I'm going to go fucking spare.
If you can't understand what his Irish slang means from context clues, feel free to use your internet.
Hidris Helba shows up as the only jet black seal in the world because someone at Disney said hey, you know who kids like? Stringer Bell. Hidris just shows up cos Dory needed someone to talk to for 140 seconds before trying to traverse a motorway via raindrops or some bullshit.
Very interesting number he chose here, considering the medium. New term: Freudian Tweet.
Dory's memory problems aren't mocked and Disney go to great pains to say that even people who are a bit different aren't to be made fun of.. ... they shit on all that by making one of Hidris's fellow seals very mentally impaired, and all Hidris does is slag him off and bully him.
My son got sick of the movie with about 20 minutes left to go (which turned out to be 40 minutes because Dory.)
Then, because at least this Twitter story has a good three act structure, this happened:
He started doing what seemingly every 3 year old boy loves doing in a pitch-dark movie theater; running around in the dark. I grabbed my kid as he ran by and sat him beside me and said SHHHHHHHH, watch the end of Dory, only to realise it was someone else's child. They immediately started bawling. I was like oh shit child, off you go and they ran up to get their parents. I located my real son and grabbed him and legged it. Nah kid, Dory's fine, she's back in the sea, let's just go before Dada has to sign a register for the rest of his life. MCBRIDE OUT.
So, you heard it here, guys. "Finding Dory" makes you accidentally kidnap kids.