My college experience was four years of *~friends I'll never forget and nights I'll never remember~* and I wouldn't trade the sh*tty vodka and bad decisions for anything.
With that being said, I also probably shouldn't be alive right now.
No, I didn't have any dramatic near-death experiences, but when I think about what a normal college night out looked like, I can't help but think how #blessed I am to be sitting at a desk right now with all my fingers, toes and internal organs intact.
On a nightly basis, my friends and I would do what can only be described as "looking death straight in the face, spitting in its eye and then throwing up in our mouths a little."
There were a couple things in particular that probably should've collectively ended our fates and I'm (somewhat) confident we weren't the only group of college kids who behaved this way.
Here are the 11 things we all did in college we probably should've died from.
Going out in close to zero degree weather in close to zero clothing.
It may have been -5 degrees in the winter, but wearing sensible clothing to a frat house was social suicide.
Saying, “F*ck it, alcohol will be my jacket” made sense at the time, but technically, no, using Jack Daniels as a coat could definitely have left us as hypothermia-stricken as Jack from “Titanic.”
Having lofted beds.
Those things are like 8 feet off the ground and you have to climb a frail, splitting wood ladder just to get into bed.
I'd imagine falling off one would leave a girl with at least three broken bones, a cast and a sling that had to be worn for six and a half weeks and would serve as a constant reminder to everyone she was the girl who fell off a lofted bed at 3 am at a frat house the night after her spring formal... I don't know, something like that... I said “I'd imagine,” OK??
Eating food out of the garbage can.
It may have been totally free, but it may have also contained vicious bacteria that could have ripped our insides apart.
Sharing food with strangers on the street.
It happened. And now that I'm really thinking about it, it happened a lot.
I'd be walking back with my posse after a night out and one of my friends would spot someone with pizza about 500 feet away, then take off and ask said stranger for a bite of his or her slice.
People would usually be just as drunk and willing to share, but who knows what kind of germs or weird, deadly mouth infections they could've had going on?! (Also, quick shout out to the dude who WOULD NOT give me a lick of his ice cream in 2012, I haven't forgotten.)
Eating food out of frat kitchens.
If you wanted to find my friends and me after a night out, you needn't have looked further than the panini press in a frat house kitchen.
Sounds harmless enough, but what we put on that panini press typically included cheese that was probably sitting out for days, unidentifiable meat that didn't look too slimy, bread that was kinda wet on one side with something that kinda smelled weird but was probably fine and any type of condiment we could get our hands on. It's a freaking miracle we all left college E. coli and salmonella free.
Walking around frat houses without shoes.
As a girl, it took some time for wearing shoes inside a frat house to become a habit, but being barefoot was a death wish.
Between shards of broken glass, dried random blood stains (from “boys being boys”) and beer and every possible bodily fluid soaked into the carpet, one wrong step could've been life ending.
Dancing on elevated surfaces.
Sure, standing on tables, chairs or window ledges is dangerous in general, but doing it in heels while attempting to twerk to a Nicki Minaj song is really living life on the edge.
Running in heels.
Uh, I'm sorry... did you expect me to WALK to greet my friends I hadn't seen in the last 12 hours??!?
Sitting on toilet seats in disgusting places.
The golden rule of “squat if it looks or smells like an animal may have died in here within the past three hours” never really applied in college.
It was easier to plop down and do your business with a stupid “wow, until I just sat down I had no idea I was this drunk” grin on your face -- but you can get some legitimate diseases from nasty toilet seats. Also, dripping dry just isn't good for personal hygiene.
Falling asleep wherever looked comfortable.
If you never woke up on a random couch, in a random apartment building or a random bed, good for you. But for the rest of us, the opening-your-eyes-and-not-knowing-where-the-f*ck-you-were moments were far from safe.
Your parents murdering you after they found out you took your top off in Puerto Vallarta on spring break your sophomore year.
Congrats if you're still standing after that one.