If you haven't heard the news by now, here it is: Chipotle is CLOSING.
Lights out. Doors locked. Grills off. Avocados whole, unmixed, unbeaten and unstirred into delicious sweet, sweet, expensive guacamole. Call your loved ones and tell them you love them because all hell is about to break loose.
On February 8, Chipotle will be closed. The restaurant chain said it's for a meeting regarding food health and hygiene to avoid that whole E. coli thing it's been dealing with, but do the details really matter?
It’s new. It’s scary. And we just don’t know what is going to happen. It is within the nation’s best interest to take great care and caution going into this dark unknown and to follow all the steps outlined below.
Here is your survival plan:
Step 1: Plan Ahead
We don’t know how long it takes for a regular burrito to fully pass all of its nutrients through your digestive system, but we can only assume the average American body calls for at least one burrito a day. This means burrito-loading in the days leading up to February 8.
Our expert (i.e. Doug from sophomore year in college who lived down the hall) recommends a diet of two burritos a day for the five days leading up to February 8, with a side of salted lime chips and guac to be super safe. And we trust Doug; he ate a lot of burritos in his day.
By consistently getting your rice, beans, chicken, hot sauce, cheese, sour cream and I-know-it’s-extra guac in before you're cut off, your body will go through less severe withdrawal systems (see Step 4) when the day arrives.
Step 2: Prepare Your Fortress
We don’t know what a day with no Chipotle looks like. People may be rioting, pillaging and looting. Prepare your home with the assumption it will be all "I Am Legend" out there. Close your curtains and turn off your lights.
You don’t want wondering neighbors peeking in to see if you have any hidden tortilla wraps in your fridge. Make sure you and your loved ones have a meeting place worked out in case you're separated while searching for other edibles.
***Important: DO NOT make your safe place a Chipotle. Remember, it will be closed.
Step 3: Batten Down The Hatches
On February 8, stay home. We recommend maybe a night of heavy drinking and greasy Chinese takeout on February 7 to ensure you sleep really late the next morning. With any luck, this dynamite combination will knock you out until at least noon, and then you've cut the grueling 24 hours in half.
Leave out your most comfortable clothing and treat yourself to a day of HGTV marathon-ing. Note: If you try to watch movies, at some point when one movie comes to a close and the other begins you’ll start thinking it’s a good time to make a Chipotle trip.
We call this the “Are You Hungry? I Could Eat” movie-phenomenon. It is important whatever you watch has no huge plot points or a clear beginning or end so as to avoid this problem.
Step 4: Know The Withdrawal Symptoms
It may not be entirely clear whether you or a loved one is going through withdrawal. Here are some common symptoms you may notice:
- Severe, inconsolable hunger pains
- Dizziness, feeling light-headed
- Anxiety, nervousness
- A feeling of impending doom or severe paranoia
- Dry mouth
- Wet mouth
- An uncontrollable desire to lick salt from the shaker
- Crying
If you or anyone you know is experiencing three or more of these symptoms, the person could be having Chipotle withdrawal. Your only option is to feed the victim NyQuil until he or she is unconscious and can sleep until February 9.
Step 5: Remember, There Is Always Tomorrow
It’s going to be a bleak day across the fine US of A. There may be moments when you feel you can’t make it and times you doubt your sanity, strength and moral existence. In these dark moments, it is important to remember tomorrow IS coming.
When those glassy, shiny doors push open on that bright morning, you will enter Chipotle a survivor. And, you can bet your bottom dollar that zesty lime white rice will never taste so zesty or so lime-y.
Be brave. Be strong. Be-rrito. We love you.
