When I was a kid, the girls bathroom was a place of mystery where covert meetings were held to discuss the course of global political affairs.
And it always made me laugh that, just as I wasn't allowed in the girls bathroom, girls had no clue what a guys bathroom was like.
Sooner or later, I think strict, gendered bathrooms will f*ck off forever but until that happens, let me help out.
I will now do my duty as a journalist and help keep the vagina-having general public informed of what really happens in a boys bathroom.
Flushing way before you're done peeing
Honestly, I have no idea why guys do this. Sometimes I flush when I'm not even halfway done and then I have to rush to finish before the flushing stops. As an adult, "rushing" your pee is one of those things you only want to be doing when you are drunk and between two parked cars. Like hand jobs.
Shaking your penis after peeing
So, ladies, if you don't know, guys all shake their dicks a little to get the droplets of pee off. Yeah, it's super weird. All guys are just casually shaking their dicks like dead birds every day.
This is a very real thing. Occasionally, we will be unable to pee because someone is either too close to us or won't stop talking about how "f*cking DANK doing molly at Bonnaroo during the Vampire Weekend set was."
Sometimes when this happens, in order to look like you don't have kidney stones, you will have to just pretend to finish so you can get the f*ck out of there.
You know, like a faked female orgasm.
Peeing into the side of the toilet bowl so your pee doesn't make such a loud sound
Not sure why we do this either. Sometimes you just don't want to be making an echoing urine waterfall sound in an office bathroom.
Chatting awkwardly while peeing in urinals next to each other
OK, so this is like 10 times worse than trying to make conversation in an elevator.
And you have your dick in your hands.
Not washing your hands
So yeah, this happens all the time. I DON'T DO IT BECAUSE I AM NOT GROSS. But I think the rationale is, if you're just peeing, all you're doing is touching your penis. And, honestly, your penis is probably one of the cleanest parts of you.
So, yeah. Gross.
Peeing with the seat down all the time because you are a motherf*cking urine sharp shooter (except you are not at all and constantly get droplets of pee on the seat)
Women are always getting angry at men for leaving the seat up. But honestly, men are disgusting pee-snipers and they just WILL pee on the seat if it is down. It is unavoidable.
Also, like, quick question: Women want the seat down so they don't sit down and fall into the toilet? Are women just sitting on toilets with their eyes closed all the time? Please help me understand this better. I want to learn.
Pretty much always being able to kinda see another guy's dick in your peripheral vision while at a urinal
Yeah, you are perpetually an eye-flicker away from a 69-year-old banker's shriveled wang.
Peeing in a stall because there are only two urinals and one is being used
It's self-explanatory. The reasons for not wanting to pee next to someone are listed above: peripheral penis, pee shyness and urinal chat.
The only hole guys put their penises through is the one in their boxers -- when they are insane weirdos.
Seriously, the only time the hole in your boxers should be used is when you are stoned and depressed and lounging on your couch and you look down and your d*ck is accidentally hanging out -- and you laugh about how dumb and weird it looks and finally realize life isn't as bad as you thought.