The ides of May are quickly approaching, which means students who value the education their parents are paying for are getting ready for finals week, or as I like to call it: "Seven Days With The Devil."
Now that I'm an "adult," I've realized that being a student is actually harder than having a job. Sure, a job can make your brain turn to Nickelodeon slime after a while, but at least you get MONEY for it -- money you can use to buy beer or a watch with a calculator on it.
The only "real" people who work as hard as people during finals week are Justin Bieber's publicists, who honestly deserve all the money they get paid. Think about how fun it must be to wake up to an angry email from Bill Clinton's PR people.
Finals week isn't just hard on your mind and body, it's hard on your soul. And it's always the same, no matter how hard you try to prepare.
When finals week comes around, you convince yourself this time you're going to be like this towering beast...
Do you even lift, pony?
...but you always end up feeling a lot more like this weirdo.
"I is sexy."
You're SURE you're about to absorb a semester's worth of information, no problem...
That streak of color-coding your notes is going to last exactly one hour. Then you're going to start writing straight on your desk.
...but really you're just this dude, staring at things you don't understand...
"So the economy crashed because hedge funds made bundles of bad loans with good loans and packaged them like a gift basket where some of the stuff is terrible but some is OK, and then the banks spent all their money on the bundle baskets, and now my house is worth less than my Pokémon card collection? OK. Got it."
...and this is what your butt looks like after too long in the library.
Side note: Let's talk about how awesome sitting on those portable butt-couches would be.
For a while, you still try to look good despite the fact that you've been in the library for 72 hours straight and can smell your own breath...
Just wrap a blanket around your shoulders in your underwear like the rest of us, you piece of sh*t.
...and you haven't seen sunlight in an eternity...
"...The sun is a star? That's just weird, bro."
...and you stopped shaving...
You think you look like Zeus, but you just look like Zach Galifianakis.
...and this is the reflection you catch in the mirror while brushing your teeth.
You smell like Charlie Sheen's cocaine sweat rag.
All you can think of is that one merciful day when the misery will have to end.
The only things that last forever are "Law & Order" and Brad Pitt's six pack.
To make matters worse, you keep bumping into that guy who keeps telling you how good he is at pulling all-nighters.
When what he actually means is "I'm high as a motherf*cker on stolen ADD medication."
But soon enough, you can see the finish line, so you scoop up what's left of your brain and struggle on.
"Maybe if I take the Iced Coffee Bucket Challenge, I'll be more alert."
So you sit and take your exams, trying to look normal...
"Yes, sir, thank you sir, I am prepared for this exam and I am behaving like a normal person and I'm not a Scientologist and I love you."
...and you pretend you know what words mean.
No, "euthanasia" does not mean "youths in Asia."
"YES, I am the master of my own destiny!"
"Suck on my butt, world!"
...and you can celebrate by getting drunk and peeing in public.
"Are all of you going to get naked, or should I?"
Or, if it suits you better, getting high and peeing in public.
"Guys, guys, I just REALIZED something.. .the word 'baller' is in the word 'ballerina.'"
Because you are GOING to get this weird book-shaped hat, and there is no one who can stop you (except, of course, Voldemort).
This cat just graduated with a major in watching you masturbate.
So stay strong, people. Eventually it'll be over and you can, you know, watch TV while eating pizza and having sex with a beautiful stranger.
...Which is the only way a human can be anywhere near as happy as this guy.