10 Reasons America Would Be Better Off With Vladimir Putin
Disclaimer: I am fully aware Putin is controversial and in no way does this reflect Elite Daily, or my own opinion on him whatsoever. This is satirical, and should not be taken seriously as a political stance.
It's that time again: when we start to unfriend people from actual life because of their political rants on social media. It's election season. This upcoming 2016 election seems especially excruciating, given the cringe-worthy candidates vying for the job of leader of our nation.
This is almost as bad as having a gun to your head, asking to pick between Nickelback, Creed or death. Just pull the trigger. Screw it. This election isn't going to come down to who would be the best president of our wonderful country; this is coming down to who sucks less, and that's sad.
That being said, I began thinking about who would be a better candidate in this sandbox of a political race. Micheal Keaton as Bruce Wayne and only as Bruce Wayne, crossed my mind but he is fictional. I thought of Steven Seagal, but vetoed that idea because I don't think we have enough time to explain things like foreign policy to him.
Then, I remembered Steven Seagal's BFFL, Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yas! Why you ask? Because he is a complete badass. Yes, he may be a communist and some of his policies and beliefs are a little, well, evil. Besides that, if there is one person who takes zero bullsh*t to get stuff done, it's good ol' Vlad. Here are the top 10 reasons why America would be better off with Putin as president:
10. He isn't afraid of risk.
Putin is really into extreme sports and climbing mountains and stuff. He even drove a Formula One race car on his own. He hit 150 mph before “spinning out at one point and skidding to a halt,” according to Sky News Online. He truly understands that with no risk, there's no reward. Some call it careless; I call it ballsy.
9. He rocks his own hair, stays young and walks like a pimp.
So what, if he may be balding? He works that up-do. Have you seen him walk? Dat swag doe! He has the confidence of a 23-year-old frat boy and it's extraordinary.
8. He's worked for KGB.
According to his biography he states, “My perception of the KGB was based on the idealistic stories I heard about intelligence.” He even lived undercover for a while. Yeah, some other not-so-kosher stuff went down allegedly but whatever; it's still cool. Seriously, he's like the real life James Bond, but scarier.
7. Chuck Norris drinks Putin's sweat for fuel.
This has yet to be proven but it makes complete sense. OK, so “Walker, Texas Ranger” is a badass, but compared to Putin, he is chump. Not only does VP (bad, pseudo-pun intended) have a black belt and was a judo champion, he supposedly saved a TV crew from tigers once. This was later disproved, but he did fire a crossbow at a whale as an act of eco-tracking effort.
6. He protects his country and is sorry he's not sorry.
Putin actually ordered the saliva of Muslim women in order to help identify suicide bombers according to foreignpolicy.com. These implementations came before the Olympics, and after an attack on Volgograd in southern Russia. Call it profiling, but Putin does not care what you think. He will go to great lengths for his people.
5. He sings and plays piano for charity.
4. He believes bread and vodka will fix the economic crisis.
In December of 2014, Putin stated that bread and vodka would fix the economic crisis, and all he needed was two years to do it. Of course, in his state of the union address he announced more plans, but according to Reuters.com, it essentially boils down to those two things, which are indeed great things.
3. He co-pilots fighter jets to put out wild fires.
When wild fires tore through the Ryazan region of Russia, Putin couldn't just sit back and watch other people do what he can do. He gets in the plane as a co-pilot and proceeds to fight those fires. Could you even imagine any candidate telling the people of America, “Don't worry, I got this?”
Didn't think so.
2. He is rumored to have had an affair with Russian spy.
According to the New York Post, Putin was rumored to have had an affair with Anna Chapman, a key player in the pro-Kremlin Young Guard of United Russia. I don't think any presidential candidate would dare to have any relations with a captured spy. (I'm looking at you, Bill.)
1. He was basically asked to be President.
As history.com states, "In December 1999 Yeltsin resigned as president, appointing Putin acting president until official elections were held (in early 2000). He was re-elected in 2004."
Also, encyclopedia.com says, "For one thing, he had little political experience; for another, his appearance and personality seemed bland. However, Putin increased his appeal among citizens for his role in vehemently pursuing the war in Chechnya."
"In addition to blaming various bombings in Moscow and elsewhere on Chechen terrorists, he also used harsh rhetoric in condemning his enemies. As Wines reported, 'this established his image as a tough and no-nonsense leader at a time when Russians were seeking just such a person.'" I mean, it's pretty dope when you just do you and become leader of your nation.