The 7 Biggest Lies Women Are Self-Absorbed In

Women by nature are very concerned about their physical appearance. Whether it's picking out their outfit, taking a picture, or going out to a club,  women are always conscious of how they look . Throughout my years of watching women (from both close up and a far) I have picked up on many of their daily tricks.

What women don't understand, however, is that if hundreds of other girls are consistently telling the same kinds of lies, the opposite sex will eventually catch on to the truth behind these deceptions. We know you are hiding something and that you aren't perfect, so there's no use in believing your own lies now that the public has finally become aware of what's underneath them.

Here are the 7 biggest lies women are self absorbed in.

Plastic surgery

Deviated septum = nose job

How many times have you heard a girl say “I had a deviated septum” when talking about their nose job. You didn’t have a deviated septum, you had a big nose! There’s nothing wrong with getting plastic surgery if there is something that is truly bothering you about your appearance, what is wrong is being in denial and lying about it!

A girl saying she got a nose job because she had a deviated septum is like a guy saying he went to Hooters because he likes the wings. You’re not fooling anyone! It makes me wonder if the modern day woman is aware that only the most severe and therefore atypical cases of a deviated septum actually require nasal surgery to repair.

Sexual marks

Hickey = I burnt myself with an iron

Hickeys are one of the worst things that a sexual partner can give you (besides an STD). They are ugly, they stand out, and they make people think you were hooking up with someone who’s in Middle School or on True Blood. You can scrub them off with a fork, spoon, electric toothbrush and other fun household items, or you can wear a scarf or turtleneck to cover it up.

What I can’t stand, though, is when girls don’t cover it up and pull the line, “I burnt myself with my hair iron”. Really? You were ironing the hairs on your neck? I’ll give it to you ladies, those irons are hot (I’ve burnt myself plenty of times on my sisters’ and girlfriends’ when they’ve left them on the sink), but call it as it is, you didn’t burn you’re neck with an iron, you got your neck sucked by a vampire!

Skinny arm in pictures

This is one of my favorite things that girls do. When pre-gaming or out at a bar, girls love to take pictures with their friends so they can post them on Facebook for all their prospective hook-ups/ex-boyfriends to see (yes, that’s why you do it). Looking good in these pictures is crucial, which is why girls take so many just to make sure they get the right one.

Simply just putting your arms around each other and smiling isn’t enough, which is why girls often like to pose as if they are on a modeling shoot; my favorite pose being “the skinny arm”. The skinny arm is usually done by, but not limited to, the two girls on the outside of the picture, ensuring that what they believe to be their “fat arms”, look extra skinny.

All it takes is a hand on your hip, and a simple twist of the wrist and voila, you have a skinny arm! Is this a big deal that girls do this, not at all, but it’s just amusing how insistent girls are on doing it, yet deny they do it on purpose.

Their height

Heels- deceiving you with their height

As a vertically challenged man, I’m not the biggest fan of girls wearing high heels. I don’t mind the 2-4 inchers as much, but when girls are rocking heels that give them a half a foot boost, I become slightly irritated. If you’re 5 foot or shorter, it’s not the biggest deal, but the girls who are average height or taller, and then add on the additional inches, it’s a little much.

I know the argument that girls looks “thinner” in heels, but lets face it, if you’re over weight, you’re over weight, heels just make you stand out more. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a girl who I thought was too tall for a short guy to even bother hitting on before going outside of the club and finding out she's in fact much shorter than I am! The heels are just too deceiving!

Act your own height ladies, or at least within 2-3 inches of it. Otherwise you will let some great guys pass you by just because they thought they were too short for you in the club (great things come in small packages…or so my Mom tells me).

Their weight

Spanx- deceiving with their weight

As spoken about in the video above, there is a reason most girls’ bodies look so tight when they go out at night, and this reason is called the spanx. Spanx are pretty much an elastic body shaped glove that many girls wear to keep themselves looking slim.

True, bigger girls definitely look a lot more put-together in them when they go out, but just be cautious of what’s underneath when they head home. There’s a reason, ladies, as to why guys try and get you naked on the first night, we’re not trying to fornicate, we’re trying to investigate!

Make up

Some girls aren’t really that pretty, they’re just really good artists. The amount of make up that some girls wear is out of control! I have no problem with girls wearing make-up in general, I actually expect it. What I do have a problem with is the girls whose faces look like they should come with candles and a birthday hat.

I remember seeing a girl at a Syracuse University basketball game with her face painted orange. I thought, wow, great school spirit. Little did I know she was just wearing too much bronzer! There’s nothing more amusing than looking at the side of a girls face and seeing the obvious point where their skin meets the bronzer. Girls should focus on looking more real and natural, because think about it, it’s called “make up” for a reason.

Large Glasses

As the summer is ending this becomes less of a major issue, but nonetheless it’s one of the most deceiving things a girl can wear. Most girls look good in large sunglasses and I'm pretty sure they know it. This is why girls come up with any excuse to wear sunglasses on a given day.

I’ve heard “my eyes are sensitive”, “they match my outfit”, and the funniest ever, “I can’t find my glasses case.” I have no problem with girls wearing big sunglasses because they do often look good wearing them, but I encourage men to beware that what’s underneath may not be as beautiful as the sun.

Take all these comments with a grain of salt. After all, this article was written by a 5’6, 140 pound comedian with a big nose.

Tyler Gildin (@TylerGildin) | Elite. 

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