57 Thoughts Everyone Has About Destination Weddings
Destination weddings are like presidential elections: They are very expensive, you feel obligated to participate and you're pretty sure everything will end badly.
Also, the happy couples pretty much presume everyone invited can afford and is willing to buy a plane ticket to Greece or Italy or Cleveland (America's most beautiful city) just to celebrate their happiness.
But still, weddings are amazing. They're like the Super Bowl of getting drunk and feeling good. So, yes, destination weddings can be very emotionally confusing.
To help America parse through the hailstorms that are destination weddings, I have written down the 57 thoughts that go through everyone's minds when they receive a destination wedding invitation. These are the exact thoughts. There are no others.
1. LOL, who still sends Evites? 2. F*cking Nerd City over here. 3. Oh, it's a wedding invitation. 4. I get to wear a suit and get drunk and dance with strangers. 5. Maybe I'll wear a bow tie? 6. No, don't be crazy. You're not Bill Nye. 7. I love Bill Nye. 8. I wish I was Bill Nye. 9. I'm going to wear a bow tie. 10. Sh*t, Bill Nye even rhymes with bow tie -- he strives for excellence in every way. 11. Wait, who's even getting married? 12. Mark? 13. Mark is getting married. 14. One time I saw Mark pee into his laptop because he thought it was a toilet. 15. Wow, she's way too pretty for him. 16. Good for Mark. 17. One time I saw Mark poop on a cop car to protest a parking ticket. 18. I'm definitely going to this. 19. I'm going to get very drunk. 20. Getting drunk at a wedding is to getting drunk anywhere else as sex with a beautiful model is to sex with a muddy hole in the ground. 21. I did really well on my SATs. 22. It's been generally downhill from there. 23. When is this wedding? 24. Next year? 25. Are you f*cking kidding me? 26. I might be dead or the president in a year. 27. Or both. 28. I miss JFK. 29. JFK must've been so cool at weddings. 30. I can't wait a year, I just bought a bow tie. 31. Wait, where is the wedding? 32. F*CKING FLORIDA? 33. Does he expect people to actually go to this wedding? 34. That's why it's a year away. 35. So people can start saving now for the plane ticket. 36. Why am I so poor? 37. Mark is in finance. 38. Maybe I should've gone “into finance.” 39. I wish I knew a lot about the stock market. 40. The only things I know a lot about are public bathroom accessibility in my neighborhood and Pokémon. 41. God, a Pokémon wedding would be so f*cking cute. 42. I wonder if Pokémon date between species. 43. Is that considered bestiality? 44. Is bestiality only when humans have sex with other species? 45. Or is a dog f*cking a toad also a no-no? 46. F*cking Florida. 47. Do I look like a dolphin? 48. I read somewhere dolphins are as smart as dogs. 49. And they have sex for fun. 50. I want to have sex. 51. Maybe if I go to this wedding I'll finally have sex again. 52. I just have to wait a year. 53. ... 54. ... 55. ... 56. ... 57. I can do that.
For more insight into the conundrum of the destination wedding, check out the video below.