Last night, someone at MTV decided it would be a good idea to give Kanye West an award, a microphone and the opportunity to say whatever popped into his head during a live broadcast this year's Video Music Awards.
In return, viewers were treated to a 12-minute speech that sounded eerily identical to the rambling diatribe I had to sit through after accidentally engaging in conversation with a drunk creative writing major at a bar in college.
There's a chance Kanye had carefully planned every single word of his acceptance speech last night, which would mean announcing his decision to run for president in 2020 was a carefully-calculated move and not a spontaneous choice he made after realizing he didn't really know how to end his spiel.
The only way I see Kanye actually getting elected is if Donald Trump manages to do enough damage over the next five years to make him seem like an attractive alternative, and at that point I'd highly suggest burning everything and starting over because something has gone terribly wrong.
However, there is at least one aspect of this dystopia that can't be overlooked: Every president needs a first lady, and if Kanye was commander in chief, Kim Kardashian would be the woman by his side.
We'd have so many things to look forward to.
Mount Rushmore is a towering monument featuring four of America's greatest presidents immortalized in the side of a granite cliff in South Dakota. I would also say it's a monument to American values, like hard work and perseverance, if its architects hadn't run out of money and given up halfway through.
If there's anything Kanye West has, though, it's money, ambition and the incessant need to remind everyone how hot his wife is. I can't think of a better way to express that than Mount Buttmore, a giant monument to Kim's ass that would be situated across from Mount Rushmore, directly in Thomas Jefferson's line of sight.
"The Kanye West Wing," premiering on E! in summer 2020
The Kardashians have a proud history of launching a new spin-off every time more than one member of the family goes to another city for more than a couple of weeks. Kim has already taken Miami and New York, so it's only natural she'd want to add Washington, DC to that list.
While Kourtney has traditionally been her partner in crime, I assume she'll have no problem substituting her for someone else with a name starting with K -- especially when it sets you up for a title like that one.
Kim Kardashian, White House Photographer
Our earliest presidents had their achievements documented by scrimshaw artists who etched them onto the teeth of sperm whales, but those have fallen out of fashion in favor of photographers who now don't need three days to capture a single moment.
However, it doesn't make much sense to spend taxpayer money on a dedicated cameraman when the first lady is one of the most celebrated photographers of our time. I can't think of a better candidate for the job than someone with 45 million Instagram followers and a published book of selfies.
The Supreme Kourt
Kim will use her powers of persuasion to insist Kanye change the name of the Supreme Court to "The Supreme Kourt," and Kourtney Kardashian will be given the power to veto any Supreme Kourt decision if she finds it isn't "chic" enough.
She will also be allowed to decide what the justices wear -- including "sexy bumblebee" costumes for cases on or around Halloween.
Sure, some minor changes to judicial procedure will have to be made as well to accommodate the new era, but considering the completely unreasonable success of the Kardashian dynasty, at this point we should just do whatever they say. They seem know what they are doing.
The American flag will now have vertical stripes because they are, like, WAY more flattering.
The Founding Fathers had zero fashion sense. Who in their right minds would choose horizontal stripes for their nation's symbol? It's like they WANTED England to call us fat. I mean, there is a reason fashion icons Italy and France both have vertical stripes.
No, with Kim K in charge, the fashion mistakes of our past will be righted, and the USA can show up to any summit looking totally great and completely intimidate China, which thinks it's, like, hot sh*t or something these days.