We're All Doomed: 13 Things Kanye And LiLo Would Change As President

by Sam Corey

“Sorry 2016 elections, I'm-a let you finish … but the 2020 election is gonna be the best presidential campaign of all time!”

This was most likely Kanye’s thought process when boldly declaring his intention to run for president in 2020, during this year's VMAs.

His incoherent 15-minute rambling of a self-indulged award acceptance speech turned presidential campaign announcement not only inspired himself, but also encouraged Lindsay Lohan to ponder a run to the White House.

This potential 2020 Democalypse may be the manifestation of every Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh-inspired conservative’s Illuminati, Area 51, tin foil hat conspiracy theory of Liberal Hollywood’s hostile, tyrannical takeover of America.

The 2020 Presidential election is only five years away, so for the sake of journalistic expedience and integrity, it only makes sense to launch the media carousel.

Let's begin a thorough examination of each candidate’s political stances and personal biographies.

The following are the potential platforms of a Kanye West Presidential campaign:

1. Pay off the national debt by selling billions of pairs of Yeezy BOOSTs to China.

2. Fight for Christian values by reinstating prayer in public school with “Jesus Walks” playing in the background.

3. Solve the student loan debt crisis by forcing everyone to drop out of college.

4. Give tax breaks to fashion designers who will distribute his famous leather kilts and bedazzled facemasks.

5. Legalize recreational marijuana to help people take the edge off.

6. Change the dollar bill to read, “In Yeezus we trust.”

7. The lyric booklets of all his albums will be mandatory readings for all future American Literature classes.

In addition to bestowing our fine nation with his glory, Kim Kardashian would have the distinguished honor of becoming the first "first lady" to be caught sleeping with Ray J on videotape.

Before writing this pompous declaration off as another self-indulgent media stunt, we should acknowledge the leadership qualities Mr. West possesses that are adored by millions of Americans.

The lyrical wordsmith and genius voice of our generation is a loud, arrogant, unapologetic narcissist, who has a showman-like bravado that captures the attention of those who can only focus their attention on their Twitter and Instagram feeds.

Bill Maher accurately described Republican frontrunner, and angry goldfish, Donald Trump as the “white Kanye,” and his belligerent antics have appealed to America’s most base impulses.

Kanye can easily channel that anger into his own campaign, so tangible proof of the feasibility of a West administration in 2020 does exist.

However, Yeezus boldly declared in his transcending album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, that “no one man should have all that power.”

But these profound words of wisdom don’t extend to a female candidate, leaving the door open for Lindsay Lohan to make a presidential run, even though she will only be 34 by 2020.

Lindsay Lohan’s political platforms are as follows:

1. Heavily invest in self-driving cars to reduce DUIs.

2. Resolve conflict in the Middle East by tricking ISIS, Syrian, Saudi Arabian, Israeli, Palestinian, Iraqi and Iranian leaders to come together for a peace negotiation meetings … "Parent Trap" style.

3. Commit to solving world hunger, one emoji-filled Instagram post at a time.

4. Promote LGBT rights by being ambiguous of her sexuality following a long-term relationship with female DJ.

5. Use her experience of enduring 14 whole days in jail as motivation for criminal justice reform, and repealing mandatory minimums.

6. Eliminate rigid wealth class structure and social stratification by posturing as a political elite. She'll infiltrate the billionaire country clubs across our nation, and leak a “burn book” of their deepest, darkest secrets of fraudulent and criminal behavior, like she did to the plastics in "Mean Girls."

Americans love a comeback story.

The carrot-top Lohan is like Rocky or Rudy, if they were self-destructive drug dabblers, aspiring to flush a once promising acting career down the proverbial toilet.

Okay, so maybe she’s the total opposite of some of our most inspirational fictional athletes.

But if Britney Spears can rebound from a marriage to Kevin Federline to produce four moderately successful albums, there’s nothing stopping Ms. Lohan from rising from the ashes of a cigarette butt to Oval Office glory.

The 2016 election thus far has featured the unexpected rise of a cooky socialist and an openly racist former reality TV star, whose business career is so distinguished, he managed to remain a billionaire, despite declaring four bankruptcies.

In this freak show of an electoral process, anything is now possible.

May the odds forever be in their favor.

God bless their souls, God bless TMZ and God bless America.