10 Times A Guy Will Always Look Like A Criminal No Matter What
Being a dude certainly isn't all roses and sunshine, despite what you might've heard. Sure, we might get a little bit of a "hall pass" regarding the whole nine months of pregnancy situation, but life as a man certainly has it downsides.
For example, we men get judged on a daily basis, and most of the time it will result in a blatant misinterpretation of our intentions. That's the essence of judgments, though, sometimes they're right – and sometimes they're wrong.
Human beings are usually programmed to expect the worst, however, and this leads to certain situations in which men will always be viewed skeptically – regardless of how pure our intentions might be, in reality.
This might be when we're pacing around the night club, for instance, or after we send a Facebook friend request to some girl whom we have no mutual friends with. Scenarios like this are just seen as sketchy and, ultimately, are lose-lose.
There are more, too, and I've listed them for your convenience. Without any further ado, here are the 10 situations when men will always be looked at like criminals...no matter what.
1. When meeting their girlfriend’s father.
You’re pretty much shafted upon arrival in said girlfriend’s childhood home, seeing that the dude who pays the mortgage is probably still coming around on the idea of you sleeping with his daughter on a nightly basis.
Unless you saunter into the dining room flaunting a chastity belt over your pleated pair of Dockers – and a four-year degree from Yale, that you completed in two – you’re never going to verge upon the proximity of acceptable, in the eyes of this man.
I mean, unless you like sports, that is.
2. Working at a hedge fund.
Let's face it: Most people don’t know the “true definition” of a hedge fund. Admittedly, I don't completely understand what a hedge fund is. There is something about hedge funds that everybody can agree upon, however: They’re sketchy as f*ck.
It’s always interesting when you catch up with a kid from high school and he tells you he "actually had to drop out of college."
Think fast, though, because before you even have a chance to cook up some feigned encouragement, he assures you that he’s “all Gucci."
He's working at his father’s hedge fund now – like it’s all very blasé that he cut out the whole “college-degree-middleman” thing and leapt straight to six figures.
Now, before all of you hedge fund kids come up on the 3 train to have a word, let me clarify: hedge funds are perfectly legal. Technically.
Tomatoes are also technically fruits, but if I ever find one diced up on my cheesecake, I’d probably pull a Gordon Ramsay on the chef.
3. Being high at a gas station after 9 pm.
When you stumble to the counter of a gas station mini-mart with your eyes more red than the devil is (cue Kanye West voice) – and as many Clif bars as you can hold with two hands – it’s evident you’re up to no good.
Still, there’s a difference between having the munchies and being on the verge of robbing the place, although you’d never be able to tell from the grimace on the cashier’s face.
Frankly, I'd think it would be far more suspicious to loiter at a gas station during the daylight hours, than it is to do so at, like, midnight or something.
The entire f*cking establishment is built upon 99 cent Arizona cans, king-sized chocolate bars and the tears of drunk chicks.
Like – it was midnight, and I was higher than Steve Urkel’s waistline – what’s your excuse for lurking around the ice cream cooler on a Monday morning?
4. Using Instagram DM.
Aside from maybe asking a chick to catch a movie – after endorsing her Power Point skills on LinkedIn – actively using Instagram DM is possibly the shadiest means of courting another human over social media.
Your intentions could be as harmless as Bob Ross, with a tranquilizer dart bulging from his neck, it won’t matter. Regardless of what your first move might be, when it’s concerning Instagram DM, women will always expect that second move to be a dick pic.
That’s not always the case, ladies. Maybe we just admire your use of the Toaster filter, from a distance, and would like to express that to you. Then again, maybe not.
5. Wearing a trench coat.
I mean, regardless of what type of jacket you wear, people will ultimately judge you by it.
If you’re wearing a peacoat, people will expect you to have your life together. If you’re sporting a puffy North Face jacket past your early 20s – people will assume you're still wearing your coat from high school – and let's face it, you probably are.
A Canada Goose parka typically equates to a comfortable budget and minimal individuality – and a Moncler replicates this effect with an even comfier budget.
Now, if you’re rocking a trench coat, however, people will automatically suspect you’re selling some discounted silverware or Burberry handbags out of its inside pockets.
Personally, I feel like the trench coat provides a sophisticated fashion choice during the winter months, but – unless you’re Inspector Gadget or on the verge of diving into the Matrix – people will probably look to keep their distance from you on the subway.
Which, yes, is the reason why I, myself, wear a duster quite regularly.
6. Walking alone at night.
Nowadays, if you’re spotted walking alone at night, people will automatically assume you’re fixing to mug someone (and potentially keep this person as hostage, too).
People need to chill the f*ck out and keep a little faith in fellow mankind. There’s no reason to cross over to the other side of the street, with the speed of Frogger, merely because a man is walking behind you.
7. Buying something off of Craigslist.
If you’re hitting the Craigslist classifieds in search of something, let’s be real, all signs point to you hiding something. Think about it.
Aside from being abnormally cheap, there’s really no benefit to using Craigslist – instead of, say, eBay – outside of its vast selection of switchblades and blatant lack of any paper trail.
Let’s not beat around the bush here, if you’ve got a long history of petty cash transactions attached to your Craigslist account, people will assume you’ve got an even longer criminal history full of petty offenses.
8. Interacting with a girl they don't know – yet – on the street.
While I can certainly empathize with women who get harassed and/or followed while walking in the street, I will say, the whole “catcalling” umbrella is a rather wide and ambiguous one.
A few months ago, there were cries to ban catcalling in NYC. Look, I’m not doubting the abundance of creepy dudes roaming the streets of Manhattan, but how can we draw the line? Shall we just ban complimenting women in public?
Times have changed man. Has nobody seen the movie "Grease"? When John Travolta would tell a complete stranger “you’re the one that I want,” she would dive right into an elaborately choreographed dance routine with him.
If I tried pulling that sh*t today, in 2015, I'd get maced.
9. Eating at The Olive Garden.
Hey, I swear I’m not trying to bash the entire Olive Garden chain, but, I don't know, something about those places ain’t kosher – and I’m not just referring to their combination of frozen cheese and cheap meats.
“Authentic” Italian food? Really? You expect me to believe that? I studied abroad in Florence, I know authentic Italian kitchens firsthand. Let me be the first to tell you: None of them were attached to any shopping malls, such is the case with 80 percent of Olive Garden establishments.
They say you are what you eat, right? Well, if the food you're eating is fraudulent, chances are you’re handling more than just greasy breadsticks “under the table,” if you catch my drift.
10. Buying condoms in bulk.
Yeah, I’m not sure which sexual predator makes special trips to Costco whenever he needs contraceptives (to save like six cents on each condom), but apparently it’s me. I suppose now that gas is back under $2 a gallon, everyone suddenly has deep pockets, huh?
Not so fast. I’m a degenerate gambler and I lose my iPhone every third night I decide to drink – I have to pick and choose my fiscal battles.
Besides, I’m not exactly sure why a box of 250 condoms is any more outlandish than the old woman next to me, economically buying a 40-pack of paper towels. It’s not like either of us is going to live long enough to finish the entire pack, anyway.
All our lives we’re told condoms are responsible, yet – when you buy them in bulk – it never translates to being “super responsible.”
It just translates to good ol’ Betty behind the register saying, “Good heavens,” under her breath, as she scans the box.