10 Reasons Why I Can't Trust People Who Don't Do Drugs

Disclaimer: This post is meant to be funny, sarcastic and not at all suggestive; using drugs is a serious matter. Drugs are not to be abused. We are not promoting drug use, we are poking fun at it.

Addiction is real and if you think you or someone you know may have a problem, please seek appropriate outside counsel.

Taking drugs puts you, your peers and your health at serious risk. Remember that alcohol, prescription pills and drugs should not be consumed unless prescribed by an accredited doctor.

Have you ever tried taking drugs around people who don’t? They usually kill your buzz and throw serious shade on your party. Because people who don’t do drugs don’t know how to respect other people’s decisions or how to handle themselves in uncomfortable situations.

But, when an ex-drug user who has formerly given up on that life is thrown into the mix, he or she still appreciates and peacefully coexists with the people around him/her.

People who don’t do drugs usually come with other major unattractive qualities, like always being sober and going home early, which makes us wary of their alternative motives. What could be more fun at home than dancing on tables and cutting your foot on glass at a club?!

Here are the 10 reasons why we don’t trust people who don’t do drugs:

1. They’re super judgmental

We don’t judge you for being sober all the time, so why are you judging us for cutting loose? People who do drugs don’t really care about what other people are doing... because they’re on drugs.

People who don’t do drugs, on the other hand, are super invested in the lives of those who do (probably because they’re experiencing FOMO). Either partake or sit out, but don’t try to impose your trite beliefs on the rest of us. There’s a "Maury" special for that.

2. They aren’t adventurous

People who don’t do drugs tend to err on the side of extreme caution. Their version of spontaneity is getting their popcorn buttered at the movie theater.

Non-drug users are pretty conservative when it comes to exciting activities, which include and are mostly limited to anything you would do to entertain yourself in airport. Things like card games, I-Spy and eating a lot. Just remember, food can be a drug, too, people!

3. They don’t know how to hide things

Drug users know how to hide everything, from their own personal highs to their actual stash. Non-drug users only know how to hide from peer pressure (and even that they’re not so good at either).

4. They’re very straight-edge

Some people see therapists, other people see prescription bottles and self-medicate on their own.

5. They don’t experience things for themselves

Those who don’t take drugs don’t fully understand the meaning of “empirical knowledge.” They prefer to rely on secondhand accounts and what they are told instead of actually venturing out into the world and finding out for themselves. They’re kind of like indoor kids except video games are way too trippy for them.

6. They never made themselves vulnerable

There’s nothing like completely escaping your reality for a period of time and embracing your weirdest self on drugs, regardless of who is around.

Sure, you run the risk of horrifying your friends and making a total ass of yourself, but isn’t that why you love retelling your tripping stories later? People who don’t take drugs miss out on the chance to open up and expose themselves on a different level.

7. They don’t know what it’s like to really bug out

Tweaking on drugs comes with the territory, but being afraid of your own mind never got anyone anywhere. When a bad bug out strikes, you realize who you can count on and who has your back, no judgment.

Non-drug users have never experienced that spiraling hole and thus don’t understand how to come out of the dark times.

8. They lack manners

Drug users learn early on that sharing is caring, not to go at it alone and to respect their dealer. They know that the key to a successful experience is being generous and appreciative.

Those who don’t engage in drugs don’t know how to get what they want through kindness or humility. They don’t realize that group activities are fun. Have you ever seen a non-drug user pass a joint? This person will barely hold it at all, let alone pass it to the next person. This is rude.

9. They are extra paranoid

Perhaps it’s because drug users have experienced extreme paranoia over absolutely nothing that they now know how to handle anxiety-provoking situations.

Non-drug users, on the other hand, are easily frenzied and don’t know how to deal with them properly or how to calm themselves down… hmmm, maybe a hit of this would help?

10. They think they are better than everyone else because they don’t do drugs

This is just not true. Not only does my mom tell me every day that I am special, but so does ecstasy every time I take it. (Future employees and husbands: I’m joking.)

The only thing non-drug users might have more of are brain cells. And that still doesn’t make them any more special.

Disclaimer: This post is meant to be funny, sarcastic and not at all suggestive; using drugs is a serious matter. Drugs are not to be abused. We are not promoting drug use, we are poking fun at it.