A wise man named Sir Mix-A-Lot once said, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
If you ask me, this insightful rapper was way ahead of his time because now it seems like society is basically obsessed with having a huge ass.
From Kim Kardashian and JLo to Nicky Minaj and Amber Rose, there are so many celebs out there who have played a role in the modern day big butt movement by flexing their gigantic Gluteus Maximuses on the reg. Now it's pretty much impossible to scroll through social media without seeing at least a few paparazzi-worthy posteriors in your feed.
I'll admit that lately, I've been suffering from a bit of tush envy. So I was pretty stoked when I discovered that some celebs cheat their genetics by using butt pads to supplement their natural cheeks.
Now, I happen to be a relatively shameless person. I will pretty much try anything at least once. So, I decided to cure my fanny FOMO once and for all by trying out a pair of these for myself.
That's right, I decked out my derrière in some "Booty Beauty" butt pads, and long story short, it was a complete disaster.
After making the initial decision to try butt pads, I began to feel a bit embarrassed about the idea of actually walking into a store and buying a pair. So, I did what anyone in my position would do: I asked my boyfriend to come along for the ride and share the embarrassing experience with me.
Yep, my Instagram-worthy ass adventure started when I sent him a nonchalant text message that read, "Hey I'm going to the store to buy some butt pads. Will you come with me?"
Apparently, men aren't familiar with the whole butt pads thing because he answered my text with, "Excuse me but WTF are butt pads?"
I explained how they were like a push-up bra for your butt. He still didn't really understand what the hell I was talking about but nevertheless he reluctantly agreed to come with me.
As soon as we walked into the store, I made a beeline for the intimates section, careful to avoid any nosy salespeople who might try to help me. After searching through a sea of nipple covers and boob tape, I found what I was looking for and grabbed a pair of "Booty Beauty" butt-enhancing pads.
With packaging that promised I would "be transformed," I was pretty excited... but also super self-conscious.
I walked up to the register and handed the cashier my credit card without making eye contact. Then I grabbed my precious purchase and ran home to try them on.
I thought I had survived the worst part, but boy was I wrong.
When I took my butt pads out of their packaging, I was pretty horrified by their appearance.
I mean, they basically looked like a fugly pair of granny panties with some thick foam inserted into each cheek.
I threw on a bodycon dress and took a "before" picture so I could measure the results of these bad boys...
Then I put on my butt pads and walked over to the mirror. I spun around to inspect my backside. It was definitely bigger.
But then I noticed a problem. The padding made me look like I had a lumpy, disfigured derrière that was anything but sexy.
I've never worn adult diapers before, but I if had to guess what they felt like, I would assume it's pretty similar to wearing these bulky, butt-enhancing underpants.
If that's not bad enough, these things were also pretty uncomfortable. My foam butt cheeks loudly squeaked as I awkwardly walked around.
Even though I felt like a 90-year-old woman with an oversized and saggy seat, I decided to take my patootie pads for a test run out on the street.
Apparently, the general public immediately noticed my new asset and thought my butt looked just as ridiculous as I did.
Yep, instead of the attention I had hoped for, my bumpy bubble butt garnered a lot of weird looks from shocked passersby. One person even had the audacity to point and laugh at my behind.
So yeah, needless to say, my haunch-enhancing endeavors did not end well.
All in all, the whole experience was pretty traumatic, not to mention, totally humiliating. You can bet your ass I won't be rocking these things again anytime soon. But hey, you live and you learn. At least I'm not jealous of Kim K anymore.