These 5 Turkey-Carving Steps Will Save You From Any Thanksgiving Embarrassment


Thanksgiving is coming up and unless you want to look like a dumb noob when it comes time to carve up the turkey, I suggest you take notes.

Carving a turkey is arguably the most stressful part of Thanksgiving. Everyone is watching, and you KNOW the second you screw up there are a handful of other male family members looking to assert their dominance.

I don't know how it happened, but somehow turkey-cutting became this like masculine, chest-beating ritual.

It's kind of like this thing, but with turkey and adult men.

So don't be a weak turkey BITCH this thanksgiving. Approach that bird with the grace and confidence of a young Michelle Kwan or at least a middle-aged Nancy Kerrigan.

Here is your simple, five-step how-to guide on slicin' up a big ol' 'urkey this Thursday:

1) Let dis betch sit for 30 minutes.

It's important for the turkey to take a little rest before you open it up and knife your way through the bird before it has time to release those juices.

2) Start with the legs.

You know, cutting a turkey is just like making love to a lady. You gotta start with the legs.

BOOOOOOOM. Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. JK, that'd be weird if you hooked up with a girl and went straight for her legs. Treat women like women, not like Thanksgiving meat. Respect is the ultimate boooom.

3) Split that breast up.

Basically, you have to find the wishbone and then cut down the meaty side on both sides.

Around this tim,e your uncle will be saying something like, "That's a lot of bird there, champ. Need a hand?" before hitting you on your back.

Politely turn around and respond, "Nah, thanks though! Aunt Margie needs help with the yams though. Go see if you can help Aunt Margie with the yams." This subtext of "BACK DAFUQ OFF YOU DICKLESS SPHINCTER" will kill his will to live.

4) Slice the breasts.

Cut against the grain and put the pieces out on a nice platter, like they do on "Top Chef."

5) Remove the wings.

Trust me (*looks at a live turkey and gets REAL creepy*), she won't be needing them anytime soon.

Happy thanksgiving, you DOMINANT MALE.