How To Prep For The Emotional Crash-Out Of A Taylor Swift Album Release

A new Taylor Swift album season is upon us. This is not a drill: In just a few days, the singer will be dropping her 12th studio album, The Life of a Showgirl, promptly at midnight Eastern time. For many, Oct. 3 will be like any other day — some might even choose to disengage with Taylor mania entirely (what a peaceful existence that must be). But for those of us who live and die by our Mastermind, it’s a day that requires almost militant precision and preparation. One cannot go into a Taylor Swift album drop unprepared.

You might think I’m calling my fellow Swifties out. No, no, no, I’m calling the rest of you in. I welcome you to my deranged little rituals, the only way to truly prepare for the emotional crash-out that is coming our way. While you wait for TLOAS, try out these strategies and thank me later:

• Check your horoscope. One does not press play on a new TS album feeling emotionally well-adjusted. To truly appreciate her prose, you have to be a little bit fragile. Enter: the Co-Star horoscope app. You know that professional line your therapist draws so as not to say something that will deeply offend you? That’s exactly the kind of thing Co-Star charges you $8.99 a month to read about in your relationship analysis. “Your rationality sometimes seems soulless” is an exact quote. Reading that brutally honest horoscope will put you in exactly the kind of headspace to listen to whatever the hell a song titled “Eldest Daughter” is about.
• Stalk someone’s social media. Not feeling tender enough? There’s still more you can do to fall into the emotional black hole Swift’s music demands. Is there an ex in your life who happily moved on with the girl he dated after you? A bestie you had a falling-out with whose presence still haunts your FYP? Now is the time to do what your self-preservation begs you not to: Engage with their content. “Accidentally” like your ex’s Venmo payment to his new beau. Watch all six parts of your ex-bestie’s bachelorette party on TikTok. Leave snake emojis in the comments section. Do whatever it takes to feel like a “monster on the hill.”
• Get bangs. To complete the trifecta of psychological spiraling, get bangs. This is not a directive I take lightly, but one I think even Taylor Alison Swift would endorse, given she’s rocked fringe for at least a decade. They say the closer your bangline is to your brow, the closer you are to god. At least, that’s what you should whisper to yourself when you realize they only look good right after you’ve styled them.

• Consult with your financial adviser. Just as you must commune with the stars, your ex’s DMs, and the blunt edge of your hairstylist’s scissors, so too must you get aligned with your finances. Now is not the time to make frivolous purchases — especially when there is a $70 album-specific, orange bedazzled cardigan on the line. God forbid she announces a surprise tour. How quickly can you finance a loan? Is there a kidney you can part with? I have a black market buyer on standby just in case she decides to debut that rumored Vegas residency.
• Be kind to straight men. So much of Swift’s music is about the highs and lows of dating straight men, a subset of the population I try to have nothing to do with. (I’m single for a reason.) But during her album season, I am a changed woman. Suddenly, every interaction I have with a man is like the movie trailer for Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights. The co-worker whose idea of a “quick touch-base” is to send me an 800-word email? We need more men who write letters! The Hinge date I thought was normal until he gave my dog a sloppy open-mouthed kiss? A man unrestrained by his passions! I’ve forgotten the language for the “ick.”
• Seek revenge on straight men. Just keep in mind that when you listen to the album, these feelings are likely to be replaced by rage. Inevitably, one of these Heathcliffs will do something that makes you lose faith in the male species, like telling you he’s “not ready for a relationship” and “can’t be what you deserve right now.” To prepare for that vibe shift, it’s only fitting to descend into your vigilante sh*t in advance. Don’t get sad, get even.
• Channel your inner showgirl. The album theme should be a crucial factor in your preparation ritual. For Tortured Poets, I watched a lot of Rory and Jess Gilmore Girl fan edits and actually complimented a man’s Moleskine notebook (my lowest point). For Midnights, I painted my nails black and got ’70s-style curtain bangs. For TLOAS, I plan on transporting myself spiritually back to a time when “Lucky” by Britney Spears was a radio hit. Every event is an occasion: girls nights out, waiting in line at the DMV, writing “I hope this email finds you well.” Every day is an excuse to wear so much body glitter I’m mistaken for Edward Cullen. It’s showtime all the time until Oct. 3.
• Set up your own pap walk. In that same vein, treat every public outing like the paparazzi are hiding behind a trash can. Cross every street in slow-mo. Wear sunglasses at night. Walk your dog like Deuxmoi is going to publish blind items about it. Behave like everyone is saying you’re the most shameless woman this town has ever seen — it’s what a proper showgirl would do.

However you choose to prepare for The Life of a Showgirl, just remember not to be deterred by the opinions of anyone around you. After all, the most annoying man you know is going to treat his fantasy football draft like it’s brain surgery. Why should a new Taylor Swift album be taken any less seriously? Godspeed, and good luck.