Can Someone Tell Us What's Going On With Lindsay Lohan?

by Eitan Levine

Guys, WTF is going on with Lindsay Lohan's social media persona?

We've all known for years LiLo is a walking cautionary tale of what happens when someone not quite built for fame gets involved early in “the business” and burns out wayyyy too soon.

Long gone are the days of the innocent Lindsay we knew from movies like “The Parent Trap” and “Herbie: Fully Load.” Instead, now we just have this awkward shell of a former star parading around Hollywood, occasionally making us whisper to ourselves, “Oh, no, sweetie. Please don't,” whenever a news story about her makes its way across our social media feeds.

What's remarkable about Lindsay, though, is her burnout has layers. You're not just seeing someone get involved in drugs, struggle to book legitimate gigs or have nude photos leak online.

What you're watching is a slow downward metamorphosis. It's like witnessing a caterpillar make a ton of bad decisions before turning into a chrysalis full of red flags, ultimately emerging as a full-on MESS of a butterfly.

She's already gone through the drugs and alcohol phase. What we're really witnessing now is her emerging from the rehab and Hollywood “kryptonite” phase of her life and becoming not too different from your INSANE red-state uncle.

You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, too. Remember back in November when we were all like, "But really, who would ACTUALLY vote for Donald Trump?" and then we went home for Thanksgiving and immediately were like, "Fuck, literally all of our uncles."

I'm not saying Lohan is voting for Trump. What I am saying is that's who Lindsay is turning into: your raving distant relatives who wake up every day with the goal of letting everyone on social media know how THEY feel about immigrants.

Case in point: This is what Lindsay thinks of Brexit, in case anyone was wondering.

#glutenfree Summer Dietpic.twitter.com/0ZIV53oRzH — Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) June 25, 2016

Can't forget about the time she claimed Hollywood killed Anton Yelchin, not some freak car accident.

Should we even bother acknowledging this Instagram post talking about how great the service is on Swissair before making the quickest 180-degree conversation pivot OF ALL TIME to her thoughts on the Orlando shooting?

Sexy water.

If there's one thing that can save America from Donald Trump, it's the drumbeat from "Like Toy Soldiers."

Oh, by the way, soon you'll be able to actually hold words from the gospel of Lindsay because in an interview with Vanity Fair, the 29-year-old announced she is writing a book. She said,

I am in the process of writing a book, and I am very excited to share my personal experiences in life and how to overcome obstacles. I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place. I am grateful that I have a voice, which I can now feel comfortable using as a platform to let people know that we all have ups and downs in life, and we can all come up from the downs if we get in touch with our inner self and spiritual side.

I've never been more excited for anything in my goddamn life.