Warning: This post contains spoilers for "Wonder Woman" (2017). How have you not seen it already?!
If you haven't seen Patty Jenkin's Wonder Woman yet, you are doing yourself a grave disservice.
You're missing out on SO much. Robin Wright is a powerful, Amazon warrior who kills three men at once!
Gal Gadot carries a sword around a department store, and discovers ice cream, and is generally delightful!
Chris Pine has a confirmed big penis!
Oh, and there's also the fact it took 76 years for a Wonder Woman film to get made (because, sexism) and now Patty Jenkins is shattering box office records.
Yes, all of those things make Wonder Woman truly incredible.
But I want to focus on something slightly less incredible and even more important — an issue I feel has gotten tragically little attention since the release of this WONDERful (sorry) film.
And that something is:
REMUS LUPIN IS THE EVIL SUPERVILLAIN IN THIS FILM.
Professor Lupin! The kindly, uncle figure to Harry Potter! The best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts has ever seen (who is admittedly a werewolf but you know, he's a very nice werewolf)! He's the SUPERVILLAIN.
He's not even the kind of supervillain who twirls his mustache from afar and has others carry out his evil deeds in his stead.
No, Remus Lupin is the literal god of war, Ares. He has rippling muscles (supposedly). He gets down and dirty in the big godly fight in the Wonder Woman climax.
There aren't any pictures of the film's version of Ares yet, but here he is from the comics:
Just picture Professor Lupin under that armor, being all evil and shooting lightning out of his hands.
Before you jump down my throat — I do understand how acting works, yes.
When actor 54-year-old David Thewlis first appeared on screen as Sir Patrick Morgan, Chris Pine's superior officer in the Imperial War Cabinet, I thought to myself,
Oh, hey it's Lupin! This is nice, he's a likable, older British gentleman who is exasperated with Chris Pine's shenanigans. This feels right.
But then act three hits and BOOM. It turns out Ares is real, and it was Lupin this whole time.
Next thing I know, Professor Lupin is morphing into this evil god of war who's hurling tanks at Wonder Woman's head.
I just felt so confused. At one point we got a flashback to Are's backstory, and there was Professor Lupin, sitting in a ditch, with his Professor Lupin/Sir Patrick mustache, looking ripped AF.
Is Lupin super jacked?! Has he always been this way? I'm having so many conflicting feelings!
In the end, I just couldn't take Ares seriously. He was just... Professor Lupin! I half-expected him to stop the battle and offer Diana a piece of chocolate.
Please just tell me the sequel won't have Gilderoy Lockhart.