Sad, But Social: If 'The Breakfast Club' Cast Were Social Media Today

by Naomi Lane
The Breakfast Club/Universal Pictures

This year marks the 30th anniversary of the iconic film considered to be the definitive picture of teenage angst, "The Breakfast Club."

Many Millennials weren't even born when the movie first hit theaters, yet we've all watched it and identify completely because the high school tropes the film explores still ring true today.

In every high school, you are sure to find a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal; and, though they initially believe they are worlds apart, these teens have much more in common than they realize.

But, what they didn't have back then was the cultural phenomenon in which contemporary high school students are wholly entrenched: social media.

If social media were around in 1985, these kids most certainly would have spent all of detention day in the library on their phones rather than engaging in the deep, soul-baring discussions that emerged as the very heart of the film.

As I contemplate social media, I don't consider which sites and apps these teens might use today, but what if each of the characters represented a social platform themselves?

It hit me that individually, all of these high schoolers are, in fact, the perfect embodiment of the most popular social media platforms we now use on a daily basis.

Claire = Facebook

Without a doubt, Claire is Facebook. She's the queen and she rules the school.

Her popularity knows no bounds and she undoubtedly has the most friends, even if they're not real. All the others derive their style from her, regardless of whether or not they'll admit it.

Of course, she's not without her flaws. Competitors are quick to judge her every move and the pressure to stay on top is daunting.

Claire will happily friend you with a pretty smile and then text about you behind your back.

What she'd post: daily selfies, countdown to prom, pics with "besties," #FirstWorldProblems

Andy = Instagram

Like Instagram, Andy is all about appearances.

He didn't tape Larry Lester's buns together because he enjoyed it, but because he wanted everyone, including his father, to think he was a wild and crazy guy.

It's like when you're at a bar and everyone's just sitting around on his or her phones, but you stop to create an Insta-worthy moment (that is likely contrived) to show everyone what an epic time you're having.

Andy's actions aren't based on what makes him happy, but rather, on how many “likes” he'll receive as a result. Naturally, what you see isn't the real Andy, but a highly-filtered version of him.

What he'd post: protein shakes, “candid” shirtless pics, wrestling trophies, #bros

John = Twitter

If anyone will call you out on your sh*t, it will be John Bender, who represents Twitter to a T. Not one to mince words (or characters), John gets right to the point.

And, unlike Claire and Andy, John has no filter. He will straight-up get in your face and start a war and spew truth bombs as he sees them. He might even make you cry and want to abandon the community altogether.

Sh*t on by his parents and mainstream society as a whole, John is on a rampage and is more than prepared to give it right back.

If you want the down-and-dirty details and uncensored opinions, John will give it to you with blunt force and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

What he'd post: Twitter wars with Justin Bieber, Photoshopped pics of Principal Vernon's head on a penis, general complaints about society's ills, #EatMyShorts

Brian = Reddit

While both Brian and Reddit might not be the prettiest faces on the social landscape, they hold a treasure trove of information.

The others might learn something from Brian, and share it, but they'll never tell you where they heard it. As evidenced by the essay he wrote on the group's behalf, they use him for his smarts, then take the credit.

But, Brian doesn't seem to mind. He does his thing, keeps a low profile and seems fairly content people are paying attention to him at all.

What he'd post: challenges to string theory, Stephen Hawking memes, random thoughts on the chess and physics subreddits

TIL popular kids have problems, too.

Allison = Snapchat

Similar to Snapchat, Allison is a little scandalous, a little salacious and largely ignored by parents.

She runs under the radar for most part and keeps her activities on the DL, which is fine because most people just can't figure her out, anyway. She makes up wild stories to get attention, then takes them back and quietly disappears like it never happened.

Ultimately, much like Snapchat has done with its annoying new Discovery feature for brands, Allison gets a makeover and sells out to the mainstream.

What she'd post: dandruff art, vaginas (that aren't really hers), stolen objects, videos of houseflies