Hello, my little sausage people. Do not fear me, for I am one of you. I ate 37 loaves of bread this weekend.
I come bearing motivation, but not the kind where you have to torture yourself staring at pictures of Elsa Hosk or, like, half-heartedly watch a bunch of vlogs about how easy and satisfying veganism can be.
Truth be told, I mostly just slapped together a bunch of songs for you to get sweaty to WHEN YOU FEEL READY FOR THAT SORT OF THING.
I'm not here to force you out of bed. If you want to let the risotto you ate at your aunt's house on Christmas Day continue to coat your insides, you do it.
If you want to spend the remainder of 2016 taking depression naps between episodes of “RuPaul's Drag Race,” you do it.
If you want to wear the same sweats from Dec. 26 to Jan. 1, you go ahead and you wear those nasty things until they disintegrate straight off your legs.
When you're ready to face the world and sashay into the gym on the first day of 2017 (or the second, if we're being honest with ourselves) with the confidence of someone who went all year, this playlist will be waiting.
The gym is terrible. I know. I'm sorry you have to go back there, but you do have to go back there.
It's not a matter of physical aesthetic as much as it's a matter of staving off heart disease and producing enough endorphins to keep you from watching "Return of the Jedi" on a loop for the next three days and licking warm, salty tears off your own face.
Once you feel totally ready (no rush, bebe), climb meekly onto the treadmill and let Anderson .Paak make you feel social and exciting without having to actually talk to anyone.
Or, try letting your winter loneliness fuel your run with a little Mitski. Sadness can be active, too!
When all else fails, I put Kanye West's “Fade” on there so you can straight-up pretend to be Teyana Taylor.