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Khloé Kardashian Promotes $69 Massage Wand

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If there's one thing the Kardashians love, it's selling us stuff to fix our busted faces.

Khloé Kardashian's most recent shillventure introduces us to Nurse Jamie's Uplift Massage Beauty Roller. It's a little wand that works to firm your face through the ancient art of robot massage.

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On her app, the reality star explained,

I call this my 'magic wand of beauty' … which works by massaging your skin with tourmaline stones to tighten muscle and improve circulation in the neck and face. Not only does it lift and smooth, but it preps your skin to absorb products so that you get the most out of them. This little gem is a lifesaver for jet-lagged, post-party or just plain 'meh' skin.

At $69, this “little gem” seems pretty unnecessary. If it didn't clearly double as a vibrator that (presumably) tightened your vag with every use, it'd seem like a waste of money.

Still, KoKo reminds readers,

You will never regret investing in your skin, dolls!

That's true. All any woman wants is for her skin to be so beautiful, she can go foundation-free, but not too beautiful to the point of attracting serial killers looking to flay her alive and wear her like a coat.

Earlier this month, KoKes tried to sell us on a $75 vagina facial -- sorry, vajacial -- and Ben Wa balls to keep our pelvic floors as mighty as Thor. What? She loves fitness!

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Us poors will just have to continue taking on the world with our fat, sandpaper vaginas and droopy chins and, you know what, that's OK.

When our mediocrity becomes unbearable, we can visit Khloé's app and dream of a future wherein we are all rich and sexy.

Perhaps someday, one of us may know the sweet, gentle touch of a facial massage wand. Until then, we live in our fantasies.

Citations: MY PERFECT-SKIN SECRET WEAPON (Khloé With A K)