Dear Kylie Jenner,
Please bring the goth look back.
The early-2000s were a glorious time to be in high school. People were just starting to download music illegally, Avril Lavigne was BRAVELY wearing neckties as belts, MTV boldly asked, “... sure, but just HOW fickle can a UCLA frat guy be in four seconds?” with the "NEXT" bus and the Patriot Act wasn't a thing yet.
Yup. It was a stellar time to be old enough to drive with at least one licensed adult in the car but young enough to not have to worry about the draft.
However, what reigned supreme above everything else was a movement soooo dark and mysterious that only your DEEPEST (whitest) and OTHERWORLDLY (super whitest) friends of the NETHER REALMS (their parents both went to Duke and have never traveled outside of the tri-state area) took part in. These were the kids who dressed in the blackest robes money could buy and wore the whitest makeup on the market.
I'm talking about the goth movement.
Let me just be very clear: I was NEVER "goth" and don't really understand the culture. I liked comedy from an early age and spent a lot of my educational career thinking about hockey. I enjoyed summer camp, thought my parents were strict but well-meaning and occasionally spent my weekends volunteering places for fun. I EVEN was a Boy Scout at one point with my Synagogue's troop until I stopped because we weren't doing enough outdoor things.
So for me, this is purely for entertainment purposes. The highlight of my school life may have been watching wannabe Marilyn Mansons traipse around the Jewish Day School I went to.
YOU, Kylie, have the power to bring about the next generation of goth kids and you're already kind of doing it.
Your latest Kylie Lip Kit makes you look like the dead ballerina girl in that one My Chemical Romance music video.
Very spooky, Kylie
Plus, you called the kit's color Dead of Knight!
That's the gothiest thing of all time!
This isn't even the first time you've goth'd it up. Don't think we forgot about this phase when you worshiped in the house of Satan.
We ALL remember when you were like “I'ma dress like the undead, but like I'm going to a fancy undead business meeting.”
Only YOU have the power to bring goth back. Your lip kit is a cultural revolution and you hold the key to a new generation of pasty teens walking around the mall, drinking Jamba Juice and talking about how vampires are the true guardians of night.
You need to go above and beyond your black lip kit offerings. You need to unleash a whole line of goth-centric things.
Kylie Anytime Cloaks?
Kylie Top Hats For Miserable Prom Photos?
Kylie Corsets For Casually Hanging Out In A Field?
There are really a million ways to make money off this fad. PLEASE, Kylie. PLEASE do this for me. I've literally never wanted anything more in my entire life.