Whichever TV character made you "salute" in your shorts for the first time says a lot about the kind of person you are. Kind of like a messed-up pre-pubescent astrology chart or a cartoon-sex Rorschach test.
Either way, I'm about to explain your entire life to you.
If you grew up in the '90s, you more than likely had your sexual awakening after seeing some stunning cartoon character or live-action Nick girl grace your after-school TV screen. These things kind of just happen. It's how life works, and you have zero control over it. Nobody wakes up one morning and is like, “TODAY, I GET A BONER!” You get your first chubby based on what your body wants, and that's that.
So, it only makes sense the first Nickelodeon thing your "Real Monster" went "Aaahh!!!" at says a lot about the kind of girl you're into. It's the first time your body woke itself up, shook off all that sex rust and figured out what got your motor going.
You probably dated or hooked up with every archetype of person on the planet by now, but maybe it's time for you to narrow the field down and start laser-targeting what your body and brain want. This list should give you a pretty good idea of whom you'll get married to -- 100 percent guaranteed, no questions asked. It's the closest thing to science you'll ever encounter.
Helga G. Pataki from "Hey Arnold!": The Aggressive Forbidden Fruit
Let me guess, you asked the same girl out about six times just to always get rejected and maybe even insulted in the process? Do you think this girl is secretly a sweet, little goober, despite the fact she openly mocks you in front of people and maybe even physically assaulted you at some point?
Yup, you are a classic Pataki-chaser. You want the girl who everyone says doesn't seem to want you at all, but you know everyone's wrong. You know that 8-foot-deep emotional concrete exterior she throws up around herself is brittle, and you're the one who's gonna shatter it.
Keep chasing that white whale because your head may be round, but your heart is football-shaped.
Regina "Reggie" Rocket from "Rocket Power": The Sporty Spice
You're not looking for a girlfriend as much as you're looking for a marathon buddy. Someone who you can go for a *shudders* morning run with before biking 10 miles to work. You do cool outdoorsy sh*t like rock climbing and Parkour, and you want someone who can keep up.
Falling in love at a ZogSports game is your idea of a meet-cute, and eventually getting matching Fitbits together is your idea of living happily ever after. Not to mention the fact you're probably angling for someone to complement you physically. The kind of partner who makes your friends subconsciously think, “Dang, I bet it looks FANTASTIC when they knock genitals,” when you're in the room, and then, when you guys leave, they have that exact conversation out loud with everyone else.
Enjoy your super-hot and super-healthy life together, you nuts. The rest of us will be over here not getting out of bed before 1 pm on Saturdays.
Oblina from "Aaahh!!! Real Monsters": The Anastasia Steele
You freaky f*ck. You want to be chained. You want to be slapped. You want to be tied down, and you want to be dominated, don't ya? You're not into blonde-haired California girls or cute, quirky brunettes.
You want a girl who's dressed in leather and holding something that could cause you physical pain. Why play it safe when you can get some cool girl with tattoos and dyed hair to burn a candle on your chest while you're handcuffed to the bed?
“Fifty Shades of Grey” isn't a movie to you; it's a life choice.
Clarissa Darling from "Clarissa Explains It All": The Space Cadet
Na na nana nanananana, all right, all right. SHE'S OVER THERE. PLAY IT COOL, DUDE! Just ask her out. JUST DO IT!
She's a typical girl, and you're into that. You're not looking for anyone special, just a cool, down-to-earth girl with whom you can eat pizza and go to the movies. You also kinda like how she zones out mid-conversation and just stares off into the distance, breaking a non-existent fourth wall while she monologues about her feelings during that given situation.
She's a deeper girl. She is always analyzing life and trying to figure out the cosmic questions of the universe. How do you know this? Partially from the look in her eye, but also mostly because she literally spent five minutes sitting across from you, recapping to an invisible audience all the things going through her mind on this date.
Judy Funnie from "Doug": The Slam Poet
*Takes out bongo drums* OK, cool cat / I know what woman you're trying to get at. She isn't a bore / a girl who probably runs an Etsy store. For normal people, talking to her can be a real big chore-a / you can honestly tell that from her pretentious fedora. Patchouli is the dominant smell in her kitchen / she's steeped in debt from her art school tuition.
A girl who's passionate about causes like the Syrian refugees / who once had “like, OMG, the coolest most transcendent experience” while a year abroad in Belize. Her backpack is adorned with protest buttons and stickers / her profile picture has an “I Stand For Planned Parenthood” filter. So go ahead, you young soul, pick her up, and don't panic/ her body is rockin' and her lunch is organic.
Angelica Pickles from "Rugrats": The Personification of Mother Issues
YOU. HAVE. MOTHER. ISSUES.
I don't know what hell hole of a house you were raised in, but boy effing howdy, did it emotionally scar you for the rest of your life. You like abuse deep down and want to be stomped on more than you want to be loved. You know those dads at the barbecue whose eyes look like the life was sucked out of them? That's the kind of person you will become.
Long, emotionless stares set to the background music of some angry lady yelling at you to take out the trash or assert yourself at your job is your future, you spineless shell of a human.
Amanda Bynes from "The Amanda Show": The Gleek
Ah, yes, the stage diva. The girl who wants the spotlight on her at all times and will fight anything that gets in her way. The one who's been doing drama classes since she was a child and getting tap dance instruction since before she could walk. You joined the theater department stage crew just so you could listen to her belt out “Mr. Cellophane,” periodically stopping to yell at that sad, unfortunate soul behind the piano,
YOU COULDN'T PLAY A GODDAMN E-SHARP IF A MOBSTER BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE, HELD YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AT GUNPOINT AND TOLD YOU TO TRY NOT TO SOUND LIKE A SWAMP MONSTER BANGING SOME TIN CANS TOGETHER OR HE WOULD SCALP THEIR HEADS AND MAKE A DECORATIVE SET OF OTTOMAN COVERS OUT OF THEIR HAIR.
Oh, by the way, she's batsh*t nuts, in case you didn't get that, but you kinda like that about her. She's unpredictable and passionate. You'll argue like cats and dogs in public one second and then hardcore get to at least second base the next.
Eliza Thornberry from "The Wild Thornberrys": The Science Nerd
You want the cool, nerdy girls. The ones with a popular Tumblr blogs and pictures of homemade "Harry Potter"-themed throw pillows adorning their Instagrams. Those cute bespectacled butterflies you sit near in science classes who talk about how cool the universe is and cite Neil deGrasse Tyson as their personal hero.
I'm talking your standard Zooey Deschanels, your Mayim Bialiks, your Jeanettes (that effing HOT female chipmunk with the glasses from "Alvin and the Chipmunks." DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK). She's the opposite of everyone on “Girls,” and you couldn't be more smitten.
Here's the problem: She's for sure going to go to University of California, Berkeley or MIT on some sort of scholarship at the end of the year, so you better pounce fast and lay those emotional seeds, Mr. State School.
Alex Mack from "The Secret World of Alex Mack": The Puddle of Metal
You like sentient metallic puddles who crawl around. I don't know what your deal is, dude. Go shtup a tube of aluminum foil or something.