Can y'all believe it's been NINE YEARS since "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" first aired and introduced us to the luxury of an in-home stripper pole? Well, it has. Bible.
Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, Kendall and Kylie bond this great nation in our shared, constant criticism of the Kardashian/Jenner crew.
Through even our toughest times, the United States remain indivisible because we have these five ubiquitous women to rant about on Twitter until we finally feel better about our own poorness/ugliness/undervalued intellect and sense of self-worth.
In the treasured American tradition of being big fat haters till we die, we honor nine years of hearing the word "whore" launched across the Kardashian dinner table at peak vocal fry with five embarrassing moments that gave us viewers schadenfreude boners so big we're still waiting for them to deflate.
Kourtney's droopy novocaine mouth
Watching Kourt laugh with a half-paralyzed mouth is simultaneously straightforward hilarity and the most meta moment on the show.
Kourtney generally deadpans so hard it's difficult to tell whether or not she died in season one and producers have been "Weekend At Bernie's"-ing her through nearly a decade's worth of episodes. Discovering she's able to cut her range of expression in HALF is the universe's greatest gift since the internet.
Khloé's "sexy" video for Lamar Odom
Khloé is sexy. This video was not.
Time and time again, the Kardashians have explored man's fascination with women filming themselves in sexual situations.
While Khloé is routinely the most relatable sister, watching her get smacked in the nips with giant gumballs while she baby-talked her way through the least sexual pornographic content in the known universe was the realest portrayal of how sex tapes/photos actually turn out for most of us.
Kylie's freakout over Kendall's modeling dreams
Two words: throne path.
Kendall's period talk shame
While this was a mortifying moment for Kendall, it really showcased how chill Kylie has been with the whole womanhood sitch since day one.
If you were to run into these girls on the street, Kendall might not tell you your period bled through your pants out of sheer discomfort, but Kylie will and she'll tell you the story of the time she shit in the pool just to make you feel better about your crotch stain.
Kim's "Jam (Turn It Up)" recording sesh
This video's tragic quality aside, we should all be nonstop praising the fingerless hands that recorded it.
Most of us have heard Kim's single "Jam (Turn It Up)" -- though, if you haven't, I'm OBVI linking the video below -- and know there are just some voices autotune can't polish to perfection... or even to mediocrity. Here, though, we see our girl sleep-sing her way through a verse of her only real musical effort to date.
I've ironically shared it in office group chats.
I've dragged it on Twitter.
And yet, I'm able to sing along to every word like a big. fat. jealous. hater.
Happy ninth anniversary, "KUWTK." We're still obsessed with you after all these years.