Recently, a lady friend and I got into a discussion about dating. We were comparing notes with our most recent experiences of online dating and real-life dating. She brought up many gripes she had about dating men and I brought up mine with women.
She agreed with me on many of the topics, until we got to one. I brought up that I believe women aren't nearly as proactive as men when it comes to dating.
She couldn't disagree fast enough. She swore she and all the girls she knows put a lot of effort into dating, and I have no right to counter.
She thought my contention was completely off-base.
Sure, many people have different experiences and different viewpoints on the world, and I can only speak from my experience, but I genuinely believe men are more proactive than women in dating.
Many women think they are real go-getters when it comes to dating, and from what I've seen and experienced, it just isn't true.
An article I recently read about "the new rules of chivalry" set off our debate. The article brought up who should pay for the first date, noted that the old rules of chivalry claimed the gentleman would always pick up the check, which I feel like we all understand.
The new rule of chivalry is, apparently, whoever asks for the date should pay. For instance, if the guy asks the girl out, he pays and if the girl asks the guy out, she pays.
I scoffed at this notion because women hardly ever ask guys out. I'll go out on a limb and say that in 95 percent of cases, it just doesn't happen.
Obviously, I have no real statistics or measurements to get this percentage, so instead, I decided to conduct a little experiment.
I created an online dating profile with the aim to ask no girls out and to wait for a girl to ask me out. I'd do everything else normally — fill out the profile, answer the questions, add pictures, message women I fancy, the whole shebang.
I just wouldn't ask the woman out. Instead, I'd wait for the woman to do the deed.
The results were as I expected: In the 107 matches I received and the hundreds of messages I sent, no women asked me out. One girl, in particular, I've communicated with for more than 100 messages has yet to ask me out. What's the deal?
In many cases, I would match with a girl, see she visited my profile, and she still wouldn't send the first message. I even decided to up the ante.
In the profile portion where it says, "I spend a lot of time thinking about..." I put, "Why don't the women on this site ever send the first message?"
So, they have all of this evidence pointing toward, "You should send the first message," or "You should make the first move," and... nothing.
The only women with whom I had correspondence were the ones I messaged first, and none of them offered their phone number unless I asked, and none of them ever asked me out.
At this point, you may be saying, "Yeah, Joe, but maybe you're not that great," or "Did you do something to annoy them?" or maybe, "They were just being polite in messaging you back, etc."
All fair points. But, that still doesn't explain the woman I've messaged with over 100 times.
Many times, she messaged me unsolicited. She asked questions back and was engaged in the conversation. So, why couldn't she pull the trigger on asking me out? Why is this still a thing women expect only men to do?
And, this isn't an isolated case. There were numerous other women I messaged back and forth for 20-plus messages and received no invitations for a date at all.
Sure, there were definitely some conversations that petered out in the very early stages of the messaging, but there were quite a few I had messaged numerous times.
This is exactly why I scoff at the notion of a woman treating a man to a first date. It will just never happen if it comes down to the woman bucking up and asking the guy out.
Now, I understand there are women who contend they've asked guys out before. But, many of the times they've asked a guy out were under completely BS circumstances.
For example, if you asked a guy to the prom, that doesn't count. If you've been friends with a guy for a long time and finally realize there is a spark there, that doesn't count. If you've been sleeping with a guy and, suddenly, you have feelings for him, that doesn't count.
I'm talking about when it's cold and open, and you two are complete strangers. It just doesn't happen. Most women just won't do it, despite their claims of being forward-thinking and proactive.
Sure, there are certainly one-in-a-million cases, but those are outliers in terms of what is the norm.
Regardless of what people think of the "new rules of chivalry" and proactive women, when it comes to dating, the onus is still squarely on men to make something happen to get a relationship going.
If you expect a woman to ask you out, even if she is interested in you, even if all signs point to her being head-over-heels in love with you, don't hold your breath -- that invitation is not coming.