The Way To My Heart Is Through My Vagina, And I'm Concerned

by Gigi Engle

Ladies, when it comes down to it, it's really about getting the dick, isn't it?

Just me? I know it's not just me.

When we all get into the fundamental elements of what drives us to pursue relationships and LOOOOOOVEEEE, isn't it fair to say that catching that sweet D plays a seriously crucial role? What are we doing if we're not motivated to fill our lady-holes? You feel me, girls?

My name is Gigi Engle, and I am a victim of dick-hypnotization (dicknotization, if you will). I worship at the altar of wang.

Now, ladies, I think we all know that the following statement is true AF: A GOOD DICK CAN ENSLAVE YOU.

I have said this before. I have said this a thousand times. I want that sh*t on a t-shirt. That is how true it is.

(If it's not on a t-shirt, is it even real?)

Yes, I'm addicted to the D. Dick addiction is a very real thing. Let me be clear for a second: I am not talking about sex addiction.

I'm not referring to those people who need to f*ck literally everything -- the ones who pay for sex because they are addicted to the orgasms and validation and whatnot.

No, I am referring to being hopelessly addicted to a good dicking. It's the insatiable desire to put a really good wiener in and around my orifices. I am simply trying to describe the fact that I love the D more than the dude attached to it. Feel me?

I'm glad I've cleared that up. Let's move on.

There is nothing more distracting or fun than a really fantastic penis.

I'm thinking of an old saying: “A way to a man's heart is through his stomach.”

Well, I go by a different manifesto. The way to my heart is through my vagina. If your cock can make me squeal like a barnyard piglet, I will be yours forever.

Great sex is the appetizer to winning me over.

If the sex is good, I'm going to keep coming back for more. This is not how healthy relationships are built. I know this. I am aware of this. I am perfectly conscious of the fact that I let my vagina rule my life.

If the sex is not freaking magnificent, I'm over it in a hot second. I basically love being around a good dick. Who needs a good personality when you have a phenomenal penis?

I guess I just assume that if I'm in love with your wang, I'll eventually love YOU.

Flawed? Surely! Unstable? Oh, yeah. Do I give a f*ck? Kind of, but I'm not going to change my behavior. Last time I checked, there was no rehab for loving good D.

Yeah, yeah, I know about Sex Addicts Anonymous. We've talked about this already, guys. Not what I need. I need a place that will help me figure out how to love with my heart instead of my clitoris.

Until that happens, I'm SOL.

I think he's "The One," but really he's just a guy with a great dick.

I end up forgetting to look at a guy's personality before getting wrapped up in the relationship. Some girls get stars in their eyes; I have dicks in mine. I can't make a distinction between intense sexual chemistry and a real, emotional connection.

Truth be told, I tend to tune guys out when they talk. I'm thinking about the next time I can jump their bones.

Because I don't consider the guy's personality, I end up dating assholes. Oops.

Level with me here. My glorious, gorgeous and fabulous females, our search for good dick might be the reason we're all dating such epic assholes. I mean, wouldn't a few mind-blowing orgasms be reason enough to overlook some gaping character flaws?

Wouldn't the sheer knowledge that this person can make the sensory fibers in your vagina EXPLODE be a pretty strong argument for putting up with his general douchebaggery?

I can see past a bad personality, but I can't see past a bad dick.

It's easier for me to connect sexually than emotionally. I could seriously trick myself (and I have done this) into holding onto a relationship that has a great sexual connection but a mediocre emotional one.

I'll stay in a terrible relationship for fantastic sex. I can truly justify any amount of blandness of character or lack of spark as long as there is spark within the sheets.

I'll even pick a f*cking fight just to have amazing makeup sex. As f*cked up as that is, it's my reality. But the sex is sh*tty, I'm O-U-T. Just like some women are over it after a bad date, I can't stomach a bad dick.

I know that you can't control your wiener size. I don't care. I'm not going to deal with it.

When it really comes down to it, I'm much more interested in f*cking you than loving you. So if you have a good dick and a bad personality, I'm going to become a slave to your dick and forget that you suck.

Women of the world: Take a minute and consider the shitholes you've dated. Take some time to really reflect on those horrible exes you hate.

Now think about the sex. Is there maybe a connection there? A bad man and a good dick? A sh*tty person but a spectacular penis?